So, I have sort of a theory when it comes to how men and women communicate try to communicate.  Although I have never read the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” type books, I suppose this probably would fit into a similar structure.  I don’t have any sort of expert degree, but I have been told I’d be a good therapist, so here goes:

Men.  They communicate in a relatively simple manner.  This assessment is by no means an insult – and in fact IMHO is a compliment.  Generally speaking, a guy thinks something and then he either says it verbatim or doesn’t say anything at all.  There is very little “editing” that goes on between thought and word.  So, for the most part what you hear is what you get.

Women.  They communicate in a relatively complex manner.  This assessment is not completely an insult because there are times where complexity translates into finesse.  However, the editing process in a chick’s brain is something short of a freakin’ three-ring circus. It starts with the first thought process, and it goes through various other processes that take into account all kinds of extraneous factors, including but not limited to the current circumstances, what she thinks the participants want to hear, who is present in the conversation, who is within earshot, who is not present in the conversation, how all those people relate to the woman, and any possible future outcomes that may or may not be associated with said comment. What comes out of the woman’s mouth may therefore not resemble her initial thoughts at all, and in fact may actually be the exact opposite.  All the while the woman may or may not expect those involved in the conversation to “get” the undertones and insinuations.  This is again subject to the specific circumstance, and changes like the weather in Colorado.  For those of you not familiar with weather in Colorado, that means: frequently, if not constantly. This makes it extremely difficult for anyone but a woman, who (by sheer genetics) has some hope of understanding this form of communication. In other words, men usually have absolutely no freakin’ clue what the chick is talking about.  And honestly who can blame them?

So, as is human nature – and this part applies to both male and female – we each expect everyone else to communicate like we do. Women not only expect men to understand their complexities, they assume that men also communicate with the same type of complexities (saying one thing but thinking another.)  And men assume that women understand and communicate in a relatively simple manner (saying pretty much what’s on their mind.)  This is where things get crazy.  You have two diametrically opposed communication styles, and no awareness of it by either party.  So, with the basic communication styles defined, I will now give an example of how these two styles interact, in a fucked up sort of way:

Dude:  “Happy Valentines, Honey.” (he gives her a box of chocolates.)
Chick:  “Thank you.  Did you get me flowers?” (translation: “you idiot, you didn’t get me flowers!”)
Dude:  “Ummmm, no.  Should I have gotten you flowers?” (translation: “shit, did I fuck up?”)
Chick:  “No, that’s OK.” (translation: “YOU #@)%&#(% asshole! You should have gotten me flowers!”)
Dude:  “I love you.”  (translation: “whew, I’m glad it’s OK.”)
Chick:  “I love you too.”  (translation:  “you should have known to get me flowers, and you better fucking get me flowers next time, you idiot!”)

Which is why this same exact scenario will play out between them many times thereafter, with the same result: neither one is happy and neither one understands exactly why.

Here is the opposite in effect:

Wife: “Honey, you are looking handsome tonight” (she makes some sort of sexual advance.)
Husband:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”  (translation:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”)
Wife:  “Fine.”  (translation:  “OMG, he’s cheating on me!  He doesn’t find me attractive any more!  I’m getting too fat!  Maybe we should start seeing a counselor!”)
(The husband goes to bed, content that they will have passionate sex tomorrow.  The woman stays up half the night, crying in the dark, thinking her marriage is on the rocks.)

Does any of this sound familiar?  You may not be willing to admit that you too have fallen prey to this type of scenario, but trust me it’s better to just admit it, and move on.  My suggestions?

Ladies, next time you want your man to do something/say something/be something, just freakin’ tell him what you expect, with ample notification to ensure the expected result.  He’s a simple creature.  If he’s with you, then he likely wants to please you, and will do what you ask, especially if he knows it will make you happy.  What’s that?  He should just know what you want?  Bullshit.  He needs your help, and that’s OK.  Why is it that we women have such a hard time asking for what we want? (By the way, this is different than demanding something, which means you do not respect the man – and that’s another topic for another post.)  My guess is that somewhere along the way, we were made to think that our opinions/needs/wants are not important and that it’s an imposition or impolite to request something for ourselves.  So, it’s really a matter of self-respect and self-esteem.  Besides, if your dude doesn’t always get it right, your two options are: 1) tell him what you want and get it (albeit perhaps with a bit of disappointment that you had to tell him), or 2) don’t tell him what you want and be totally pissed off that he didn’t get it!  Bottom line:  Tell him what you want!  And then enjoy it!  The End!  Seriously…..stop thinking about it!

Men, you’re going to have to expend some energy in the communication department.  Trust me, it’s worth it.  Don’t always take what she says at face value, because most likely there’s more to it.  Ask questions.  Clarify.  Ask for examples.  Ask for her opinion.  Listen.  With your ears and your heart.  Pay attention to detail.  Make her feel like she is the only one in the world that matters.  Give her your undivided attention even when you’d rather plop on the couch in front of the TV.  I know, it’s out of your comfort zone, and downright freakin’ annoying sometimes.  So what?  When she is “thanking you” in her own sexy way, you will have your reward (and if she isn’t thankful, then you have worse problems than just communication, dude.)  I’m not saying that the reward should be the only reason for going the extra mile, but let’s just say it’s the icing on the cake.  Not only will you build a deeper connection with her, she will respond to that connection, and reciprocate.  If you don’t believe me, ask any “Cassa Nova”, “Player”, or “Ladies Man.”  I’m not making this shit up, I swear.  It’s actually quite simple…..in a complex kind of way…..lol.

Whew!…..OK, that pontification went a lot longer than I expected.  I guess I’m your typical chick when it comes to communication – the “more is better” approach (as opposed to the “less is more” approach of most men.)  I am sure there are tons of examples where people do not fit into these stereotypes at all.  But I do think there is some validity to my assumptions.  I hope it at least helps you in some way with your own communications.

The 2009 “Porn for Women” calendar takes a tongue-in-cheek approach to what women really want with their beefcake. Despite the provocative title, the PG-rated calendar features a different pin-up guy for each month, performing various household chores.

No seriously.  Cuz I don’t think there is!  I mean, guys have all kinds of cool (or at least decent) names associated with their penis:  cock, sword, willy, dick, trouser snake, one-eyed wonder, shlong, wang, dong, and any number of personal names which may or may not start with “Mr.” or end in “Junior”.  And I realize I’ve just scratched the surface.  No doubt you have already thought of at least one name I did not include.  In fact, naming the penis seems to be a pretty common activity.  But when’s the last time you’ve heard about someone naming a vagina?  And the sad thing is, I think the vagina is in much more need of a new name or two!  Why is it that the existing words associated with vagina are generally derogatory (cunt, gash, hole…need I go on? UGH!) Is the best we can come up with: Va-Jay-Jay?….lol.  I mean, c’mon ladies! Will there ever be the same emphasis, the same narcissistic, egotistical obsession with naming the vagina?  I’m guessing probably not, and I say this because: a) it seems to be mostly men naming their own member and b) they seem to be much more obsessed with it than we are of our own.  Perhaps it’s a compliment to women – while men are spending their time coming up with names, and worrying about size, I think women are much more focused on the orgasm than the vagina, it’s size, shape or any other factor thereof.  And really when you think about it – if you’re gettin’ yours, then who the hell cares about anything else? At least that’s my philosophy.  So, yes I have a “vagina”, and though it may be nameless other than that, it brings me pleasure, and in my opinion that is what truly matters! : )

OK, so now that you have a bit of background on my experience with strip clubs, I’ll share my knowledge with you (for those of you that have your own experience, this will be more like a “comparing notes”, and I would love to hear from you about your own experiences and opinions.)

Where to go:  If you are in a relationship, ask your dude (Oh, he’ll know, trust me!  And if he doesn’t, he’ll find out the 411 from friends RIGHT QUICK!)  If you are not in a relationship, then you’ll have to use other resources (a personal reference is always best – from guy friends, girl friends, but as a last resort, do some research online.)  Another factor is the city you’re in.  Some have more to choose from than others, and some will have options for ”classier” establishments.  For obvious reasons, Las Vegas is a great place to check out a strip club, so if you’re planning a trip there, you might consider adding that to the itinerary.

When to go:  As far as the time of day/night, the later the better.  Strip clubs, by nature, are late night establishments.  You do not, I repeat you do not want to go at 8pm.  Trust me!  I am sure the girls working at that time are very nice and work just as hard and all that, but let’s face it, you’ll be experiencing the “B” team at best.  (the morning and afternoons are the “C” team.)  You want the “A” team.  The earliest I would go would be 10pm.  Prime time is midnight and thereafter.  As far as the day of the week, obviously the weekends are best – again that’s when you’ll see the “A” team.  As far as time of year – it’s all good pretty much year round.

Preparation:  If you think you might want to check out a lap dance, wear pants.  Lap dances take place, well, in the lap – duh.  Which means you’ll have your legs parted.  Imagine trying to do that in a skirt.  Yeah.  Also, wear something sexy, but don’t try to look like you work there – unless you want to make a couple extra bucks (just kidding – you’ll get in trouble if you try that!)  Bring some $1 bills, and some $20’s too.  The dollars are for the stage dancing, the 20’s are for the lap dances and drinks.

Stage dancing:  If you choose to sit at the stage (some clubs have more than one, by the way) know that it’s common courtesy to give each dancer a dollar for their dance.   It’s not that much to part with, and it also gives you a chance to appreciate the finer nuances of pole-dancing (I say this with full respect, not sarcasm, by the way.)  There is an art to strip and pole dancing, and it requires quite a bit of athletic ability (hence why there are now work-out classes that teach pole dancing.  And I will be posting about that in the future for sure!)  Certainly there is a range of ability – some girls look like they are just going through the motions (BOHR-ring!), while others look like they may actually be enjoying themselves!  You can really get a feel for the girl by watching her dance.  And I must say that the female body can be so beautiful, graceful, and strong.  A downright work of art.  Although I am not a lesbian, I can certainly appreciate the female form, and I can understand what a lesbian sees in another woman (once again, another topic for another post!)  Anyway, the additional advantage to seating yourself at the stage is that you get to check out a number of the dancers, and see if perhaps one of them strikes your fancy for a lap dance.  Generally speaking the dancers that are more enthusiastic on stage will be more fun for a lap dance.  It’s also important to have at least some sort of “attraction” if you’re going to check out the more intimate side of a strip club.

Lap dances:  As I mentioned, this is more intimate.  It is also the dancer’s main source of income.  Getting a few bucks for the stage dance is kinda like a waitress getting her minimum wage “salary” (it’s at least “something”, but it’s not the “main thing”.)  It’s in the club’s best interest that the girls dance on stage because it attracts customers, and adds to the “ambience”.  However, it’s usually not what a dancer is there for (let’s face it, most of us that work a job don’t do it for pure enjoyment, we also want to make as much money as possible.)  That’s why a dancer likes to focus on lap dances.  In fact, there are some dancers that will pay the “house” extra so they don’t HAVE to dance on stage.  I am saying all of this because I want you to know the general mentality.  While walking around or sitting at a table, you will no doubt be approached by lots of dancers asking you if you would like a lap dance.  And if you understand what’s behind it, it makes it easier to appreciate their position.  If you decide to give it a try for the first time, let her know you’ve never had a lap dance before.  This will help her make you feel more comfortable, and therefore the dance more enjoyable for you.  Usually she will wait for the next “song” (there’s a DJ that plays songs – actually they are sections of songs that are much shorter than the whole song - usually rock and pop.  In between you will hear the DJ and that’s the cue that the “song” is over and the next one is beginning.)  Make sure you confirm with her what the rate is for one song before you begin.  You can start with your hands at your side.   The dancer won’t mind if you put your hands around them, but do what’s comfortable for you.  In addition to enjoying her dancing for you, if you came with a partner you will no doubt notice that he is completely enjoying watching you!  Although most dancers are good about letting you know when the dance is over, it’s a good idea to listen for the music fading out and the DJ talking.  Usually she will ask if you want to continue – which means another dance, and more money.  It is perfectly acceptable to say “no thank you.”  She will then let you know what you owe for the dance, you can settle up, and she’ll be on her way.

VIP Room:  The VIP room is the next level up from a lap dance.  As the name suggests, you pay a higher price, but it’s for multiple dances, and it’s in a seperate, more private room.  As with most things in life, you get what you pay for and this is no exception.  However, it can get very expensive very quick – so don’t do the VIP room unless you are a) ready to spend around $300-$400 for around an hour (in addition to paying for dances you may have to pay for drinks, and also tip the doorman), and b) you really really really like the girl.  Even so, I’m going to be honest and say it’s probably not the best bang for your buck.  It’s kind of like “table service” at a nightclub.  You pay big bucks for basically the “right” to an “exclusive” version of what everyone else has regular access to.

Well, I think that about concludes my Strip Club 101.  I’m sure I’ll think of more stuff to say, but maybe I’ll post that later in “Having fun and at strip club – Part III.”  Until then, enjoy checking out your local strip club(s), and keep me posted!

I think for many women the words “fun” and “strip club” don’t mix.  Especially if the dancers are female.  However, as you may have guessed, I have a different opinion.  Not that I always had that opinion.  I had two serious relationships prior to my husband, and due to being younger and less-experienced, I was a little more (OK a lot more) reserved in the sex department!  The thought of going to a strip club didn’t even enter my mind.  After being monogamous with my hubby for a couple years, and becoming a bit more sexually open, the subject came up.  He asked if I would be interested in checking out a (female) strip club with him some time, and I said, “What the hell, why not?”  Of course he made it happen pretty soon after that (probably to make sure I didn’t change my mind), and off we went.  I have to admit I was curious, having never been in and never heard much about what a strip club really looked like (hint: don’t go by what you see in the movies!)  We walked into a dimly lit club, with a main stage in the center, a brass pole at the end of a “catwalk”, and a bar at the back (so far, just about what I expected.)  There were tons of tables and chairs on the floor, and lining most of the walls were more secluded looking booths and couches.  The music was pumping and a scantily-clad young woman was twisting and turning around the pole with expert rhythm.  We sat at the main stage, and I began to look around at the clientele.  What struck me was that they were all so quiet!  I truly was expecting this group of guys to be cat-calling, whooping, and generally acting rowdy.  Instead, most of them sat (dare I say?) politely, hands clasped in their laps, staring at the dancer in almost a trance-like state.  Each guy seated around the main stage would occasionally get a little close-up action from the dancer, after which he would place a dollar in her g-string, ever so careful not to touch her “naughty bits”.  There were also lap dances going on around me – women who were individually dancing for a guy, in a much more intimate fashion, and yet without any touching of private parts by hands.  It was mainly “rubbing”, for lack of a better term.  Most of the guys seemed to be behaving themselves, keeping their hands to themselves, mouths closed, etc. (no doubt because they knew if they pushed the line they’d get kicked out by some huge, bald-headed, bad-ass bouncer.)  Anyway, this was years ago when the only girls you saw at a strip club were on the stage.  So, I got quite a bit of attention from the dancers.  “Wow, a girl!”  they’d say, “That’s so cool!”  And they seemed to give me just “a little more” than the guy next to me got.  This was not only true for the girls on stage, but also when my husband talked me into a lap dance.  We did a sort of “couples” lap dance where the girl danced for us both, but the girl spent way more time on me!  I think my husband was starting to rethink his strategy of bringing me there!  Well, by night’s end, I had learned a few things, and de-mystified the strip club thing.  It was not only educational, but actually pretty fun.  Not to mention that when we got home, my husband and I had the most amazingly hot sex!!!  It was as if we’d had some form of foreplay, and were now closing the deal (sans the scantinly-clad ladies!)

Since then, I have gone to strip clubs with my husband, and with some of my women friends, many times and many places.  Although I wouldn’t choose it for every night I go out, it has it’s place in my “repetoire”, and it’s an entertainment that I enjoy.  So, for Part II (coming soon), I will go over some of the things I have learned, some tips about going to a strip club, and just general information.  Sort of a Strip Club 101, if you will.  Until then, keep an open mind!  Oh, and I will save my opinion of male strip clubs (guys dancing for girls) for another post altogether.

This is just a quick post to say that I am currently searching for some good sex toy websites to share and review.  There’s quite a few out there, but I’m trying to find ones that I think are more “female-friendly”.  Eventually I’d like to give an official review of all of them, but in the meantime I think I’ll narrow it down to three.  Once I’ve found some sites that I like, then the fun really begins….he he….I’ll just have to order a few items, and then I’ll review those too!  Anyway, I’ll keep ya posted.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  – Eleanor Roosevelt

I think most women out there believe that being a stripper, porn star or prostitute is degrading to women. And they may be right, but I have a different viewpoint.  As with all things in this world, nothing is black and white, and I believe that to understand anything you have to understand the context and personal motivation involved. In other words, you need to understand things like why the person is doing what they’re doing, and also what is that person’s own perception of it? If the person involved doesn’t consider it degrading, is it still degrading? Should the definition and standards of what is termed degrading be determined by others, or by each individual as it applies to themself? 

In my opinion if you say that all sex workers are degraded it’s like saying that all sexuality and sex involving women is degrading. If a woman has sex with a man in privacy, vs. the same woman doing the same thing but in front of a camera, what all of a sudden made it degrading?  The camera? Other people watching? Why is that degrading? Now, if you say – it is the way the woman is being depicted – then perhaps you have an argument. If the woman is being treated in a way that makes her feel inferior or worthless – and that is not what she wants - then I will agree it is degrading.  But that doesn’t mean every single adult movie out there is degrading to women.  Why do feel the need to throw all pornography into one bucket and call that whole bucket “wrong”?

 I’ll use another analogy.  Saying all sex workers are degraded is like saying all waitresses are degraded. I should know, I used to be a waitress and I can recall many times where I was treated in a degrading manner. In fact, I think anyone who has worked in the service industry can relate.  Anyone who is part of a minority can relate. Probably all of us have been treated with degredation at some point (or several points) in our lives. Does that mean that we should always blame the person who tried to degrade us?  Should we blame ourselves for being in that situation? What made it degrading? How did you react? These are all important questions, and until those are answered, we can not draw any real conclusions.

I have done some research (I’ll give you some links at the end of this) regarding female porn stars and their opinions about their industry.  Most of them not only disagree that what they do is degrading to women, they actually consider it empowering. It is one of the few (if not only) careers where women get paid way more than men, they determine when they work, who they work with, what they will and will not do, and for how much. And they are doing something they enjoy.  How many women (or men, for that matter!) can say those things about their current job/career? The other interesting trend that I have learned about is that there are more and more women on the other side of the camera in the adult industry. They are starting their own businesses, directing the scenes, creating a different view (a woman’s view) of sex and pornography.  And I for one say – it’s about time!

Well, I have more to say, but I’ll save if for another post….lol.  Here are some links to studies about women and pornography:

A Feminist Defense of Pornography
Research on Pornography
Pornography – Safe or Sexual?

I’m going to assume that most of you know what I’m talking about, but just in case you live under a rock, “O” stands for orgasm.  Whether you want to have a bigger one, have more than one, have them more often, or have one for the very first time, I think this is an area of a woman’s life that we can always improve.  And yet, the “how” can be very elusive.  I recently read somewhere that a man doesn’t give a woman an orgasm; a woman allows herself to have an orgasm.  I think that’s a great way to look at it.  Ladies, it’s time to take charge and claim our O’s!  And that’s what I want this site to be about.  Women taking charge of their own sexual lives, their own sexual pleasure.  It’s a wide spectrum, I admit, because let’s face it – we’re ridiculously complex creatures.  But that also means that all kinds of things can turn us on, and we can enjoy sex in any number of ways.  We can feel sexy just from wearing a soft, slinky teddy, a hot looking pair of “CFM” heels, or even just having a nice mani-pedi – and those that are in touch with their sexual side, enjoy using dildo’s and watch porn.  Of course those are just examples of how we can make ourselves feel sexy.  Don’t even get me started – I’ll save it for another post – about how a man (or a woman!) can turn a woman on!  Anyway, I have tons of ideas running around in my head about the subject of women and sex, and I’m excited to get this blog off and running!  I’ll sign off for now, but expect me back soon!