Well, every once in a while I’m going to post a topic that has a bit more depth and seriousness, so I thought I’d tackle one of the “biggies” in the sex department: infidelity. Although there may be varying opinions on the exact definition (“I did not have sex with that woman” comes to mind!), for the purposes of this post, I am talking about a person in a committed relationship who secretly engages in sexual activity (touching private parts) with someone other than their partner.

 Although this is a serious subject, I thought I’d start off with a little antecdote.  This is a story I heard from a friend, who heard it from her friend, etc.  Apparently a woman was suspicious that her husband was having an affair so she decided to come home early, and lo and behold she caught him, mid-coitus, with antoher woman. And since the husband had been a master at manipulating his wife thusfar and successful at covering his tracks, he thought he’d give this one a go.  He immediately began to tell her that this was not what it looked like at all, quite defensively.  When she refused to believe any of his ridiculous stories, he became indignant and said, “Well, who do you believe? Me, or your eyes?” Fortunately, the woman decided to trust her eyes, rather than Mr. Liar Liar Pants On Fire. It still amazes me that he was that dumb/ballsy/egotistical/shallow, to think she would fall for that! Though, I’m sure somewhere out there, there are folks that would….unfortunatley!

Anyway, so infidelity. Is it ever OK? Generally speaking, my opinion is no.  I may have adventurous “morals” when it comes to pornography and sex toys, but I am a firm believer in fidelity, honesty, and ethical behavior. However, I have learned that nothing in this life is black and white, so I ponder what possible scenarios would make it OK? If not OK, at least understandable.  What if you are in a loveless marriage? What if your partner cheated on you first?  Well, my first answer is – then get a divorce.  But: What if the partner makes threats to try and keep you from getting a divorce? What if you don’t want to put your young kids through a divorce? What if you are financially dependant upon your partner and can’t afford to be divorced? These are all scenarios that seem to put you in a bit of a trap. Stay in the marriage, have zero sex/love/intimacy/touch, but maintain your finances/kids/normal routines.  Or, ask for a divorce, go through hell, put your kids through hell, your finances through hell, and embark on an new, scary and unknown future.  Or, stay in your marriage so you have the financial and domestic stability – and then cheat on your partner to have the sex/love/intimacy/touch you crave. Hmmmm – none of these seem like great choices.

I’d like to expore option three: cheat.  OK, so let’s say you decide you’re going to try this option. In theory, it sounds like at least a decent compromise, especially if your partner is doing it (hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right?)  And perhaps it would even turn out OK - you could have your cake and eat it too, girlfriend!  Heck, it might even make sex a bit more exciting – you’d have that “doing something bad”, “we might get caught” excitement! But personally, when I have a tough decision to make, I look at possible consequences.  This is my philosophy: “What is the worst-case scenario, and am I OK with it?” If I’m not, then I just don’t do it. Period. So, what is the worst-case scenario? Certainly one could argue it would be getting caught.  What would your partner do? How would it affect your relationship? What if your child(ren) found out? Another “worst-case scenario” might be – you actually fall in love with your lover. Now what do you do? Leave your husband for your lover? Continue with your loveless marriage and your loving affair – not able to fulfill a 100% committment to the one you love? Hmmmm.

What about a little twist on the cheating concept: what if you tell your partner the truth? What if you discuss the fact that the passion is gone, but getting a divorce would have dire consequences for you both?  What if you tell your partner you want to have an affair? Hey, he can have his, you’ll have yours, and you can stay in the marriage for convenience-sake. Certainly that wouldn’t work in many scenarios because the partner wouldn’t agree to it.  But would it be OK if both partners agreed to it ahead of time?  It does take care of the “honesty” dilema.  However, there are still “worst-case scenarios” like your child(ren) finding out.  Hmmmm…..

I have another angle on this.  What if your lover was also in a relationship/marriage.  Are you OK with hurting his partner? Could you inflict that kind of pain on another human being? If you have ever been cheated on, and hurt in that way, this is a serious consideration. And since I for one believe in Karma/The Golden Rule/What come around goes around (whatever you want to call it), I think I’d have to factor this into the equation as well.  As if it weren’t complicated enough! Hmmmm….

Well, I’ve said a lot, and voiced my opinion, but this is probably the most important thing I can say:  Since this is not a psychology blog, I am not a counselor, and I don’t know your unique situation, this is my ultimate recommendation. If your relationship/marriage is in trouble – please seek the help of a professional counselor/psychologist/therapist. This is serious stuff, and if you care about the other person, not to mention yourself, not to mention if there are other loved-ones that are being affected, you need to do this.  NOW! Do not make excuses – figure out a way to do it. Make the time, set aside the money, get support from friends/family, just get there. Your partner won’t join you? Go by yourself. Just go! The problem isn’t going to go away, and you deserve to make the best of your life, starting now.

What are you doing still reading this? Go call a therapist, for goodnessake!