I’m just dropping in to recommend this kick-ass website, Stockroom.com.  For the curious, the novice, or the advanced, this website is the cream of the crop (where you can get both a crop and some cream!)  As I’ve mentioned before, I have always been fascinated with the whole dominatrix type stuff, and this website is the answer to my dreams!  I will most definitely be getting some stuff from them, and reviewing it in the near future.  In the meantime, check them out - and feel free to post a comment about what you think….

My friend and I were having a discussion today about soul-mates.  Do they exist?  How do you know?  Should we “hold out” until we’ve found ours?  What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soul-mate?  These are all difficult questions, and as I’ve said before I’m not an expert, but I figure I’ll take a stab at these and give ya my opinion.  And it’s just that – an opinion.  No doubt you have your own, and I’d love to hear it too!:

Do “soul-mates” exist?  Yes.  This may sound and feel like salt in the wounds to those who haven’t found theirs, but I am basing this on my own experience.  There is no question in my mind that my husband and I are soul-mates.  Not only do we each realize we have something amazing, but our friends and family – those who know us best – would agree.  This doesn’t mean we don’t have issues and frustrations with each other, like every other couple.  This is normal.  In fact I think if you don’t piss each other off from time to time, you don’t have the passion to be soul-mates.  It’s a difficult balance, and one I have a hard time explaining.  Which brings me to the next question….

How do you know?  Instead of the “I just know” answer, I will try and describe as best I can.  It starts with each of us as individuals.  Both of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to “let go” and love unabashedly.  This takes an amount of humility – and at the same time self-esteem - that not everyone is ready for.  But it’s those two things that allowed us to recognize the “soul-mate” potential in each other.  Conversely, both of us had also come to realize that we deserved to be treated with respect, and would not put up with anything less.  Balance.  Another aspect is that we connect on many levels.  We are best friends, lovers, room-mates, and study-partners (what class, you ask?  LIFE.)  In short, we are everything to each other.  However, this doesn’t mean we NEED each other, to the exclusivity of others.  We recognize the importance of close relationships with others (friends and family), and aren’t threatened by them.  Balance.  Here’s another aspect:  Know Thyself.  Simple to say, not so simple to do.  But if you are not willing to dig deep into the depths of your thoughts, fears, pain, and “baggage” to truly see yourself for who you are, you will never have a chance to see someone else for who they are.  Balance.  I’ll share one last aspect.  It’s actually something I learned in (of all places!) a Marriage and Family Relations class in college:  Identify your needs vs. your wants.  We all have needs and wants regarding a partner.  But few of us take the time to clearly define them – to ourselves, let alone our partner.  As a class project I had to make a “needs” list (each item HAD to a “deal-breaker” – if the criteria wasn’t met, that partner was not “the one”.)  And we had to make a “wants” list (these items are things that would be nice, however it would be OK if our partner didn’t meet every single one.)  For instance, on my needs list I had things like:  honest, ethical, inner-strength, wants to have children, is never abusive, has a sense of humor, doesn’t smoke, is a spiritual person, etc.  On my wants list I had things like:  loves to travel, is a good dancer, is physically “my type”.  My husband possesses every single thing on my needs list.  He possesses quite a few of the things on my wants list.  The things on my wants that he doesn’t possess?  I let those go – not important.  Even a soul-mate can not be ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES.  Do not attempt to look for that fairytale prince, that knight in shining armor.  Those characters only exist in books and stories.  Accept that your partner is human, and is not great at everything, and will make mistakes.  Many mistakes.  So will you.  Balance.

So by now you have noticed a theme: balance.  Not to get all yin-yang-y on you, but my opinion is that balance in all things is a great indication that you have found your soul-mate.  I could give you tons more examples (the importance of compromise in a relationship, the realization that although some things may come easy to soul-mates it is still very hard work!, the fact that you can have an “opposites attract” relationship as long as the opposites represent things on your wants list, not your needs list, and the necessity to bring out the best in each other….to name a few.)  You will also notice two missing subjects:  sex and money.  These are the two top reasons for divorce.  So why did I not include them?  Because we are talking about soul-mates, not marriage.  And in my opinion sex and money compatibility can be successful in a marriage, even if the partners are not soul-mates.  And if you are soul-mates, sex and money issues are just two of the many “balancing acts” that are part of the relationship.  So, I’m back at that concept of balance, and I will conclude my long-winded answer with the one word that could have answered the question (do you still remember the question?  LOL)  How do you know you are soul-mates?  Balance.

 Should we “hold out” until we’ve found our soul-mate?  Yes.  And no.  I think the answer is up to each individual.  Contrary to common thought, I don’t think being with a soul-mate is a necessity.  Being in a happy marriage can be enough fulfillment for many folks.  And that’s totally OK in my opinion.  On the other hand, if you believe that you will only be happy in a marriage/long-term relationship with a soul-mate, then it might be worth it for you to spend the extra effort and time to try and track that partner down.  I think this falls into the “needs” vs. “wants” category – if you feel you don’t NEED a soul-mate, then you will probably be perfectly happy in a loving marriage with a non-soul-mate.  Either way, the answer to this question lies with each individual.

What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  My short answer is: then that person is not a true soul-mate.  To me, the only way you can have a soul-mate is if it’s mutual.  The definition is right there in the word: mate.  The word mate implies a partnership, requiring the involvement of two people.  One can not be  properly defined without the other.  I don’t care how deeply you love someone, how perfect you think you are together.  Your partner may even love you.  But as I said before, love (and marriage) do not equal soul-mates.

Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soulmate?  I think I pretty much answered this one in the section on “holding out” for your soulmate.  In a nutshell, my opinion is yes.

Well, this has proved to be one of my longer posts, but then I guess the subject matter is usually what drives the complexity of my opinions and therefore the length of my posts!  This subject is as complex as they come.  And as usual, I’ll say that I probably left out a bunch of stuff, and have barely scratched the surface of this issue.  But hopefully this is helpful to someone, somewhere!

These days the whole topic of “touching” is a touchy subject (cheesy pun intended!)  Now, certainly I recognize that there is an argument for our extremism.   In this current day and age, where priests have admitted to touching minors inappropriately, sexual harassment in the workplace is a common discussion, and convicted sex crime offenders can be tracked via a map on a website, it is no surprise that our boundaries in regards to touching are being put to the test.  At no other time in history have we been so aware of the affects of one human being touching another.  Unfortunately, the result is often an overcompensation, with questionable results.

Where do we draw the line?  Do we do away with touching altogether?  That’s the view of many schools, including Kilmer Middle School in Vienna, VA, who banned all touching (including hugs, holding hands, and high-fives) on campus last June, in an effort to curb violence and inappropriate behavior.  This is perhaps an extreme (but valid) example of how America’s Puritan roots still affect us today.  Americans in particular seem to have a unique definition of touch, which is often seen only within a sexual context.  I find it sad that we have to monitor ourselves to the point of disengagement.  I recall a previous male boss who admitted that he was deathly afraid that the slightest innocent behavior towards a female co-worker would be misconstrued as a sexual advance.  And I myself have dealt with the uncomfortable dynamics of being the “only woman” in a group of men (professionally, and personally.)  Touching in America is indeed precarious.

Not so in other countries and cultures.  I will share with you an example that I personally experienced.  Many years ago I visited Nairobi, Kenya (Africa).  While walking the local university campus with a Kenyan friend, I noticed that often times when there were two men walking along together, they were holding hands.  At first I thought, cool, a very forward-thinking campus that allows open affection between gay males.  However, when I commented on the hand-holding to my friend, he explained to me that it is common in Kenya (and Africa) for male friends to hold hands when walking together.  It is not seen as sexual any more than a handshake or pat on the back.  To an American this may be a very strange and difficult concept to digest, but it is second-nature to an African.  And in my opinion, it is beautiful.  Unfortunately, this would never ever work in America, or most other “Western” or “Caucasian” countries.  We have way too many deep-seeded associations with touch, sexuality, and sin.

And yet, no one can deny the positive effects of touch.  Whether it is hugging a friend in a time of need, a massage at a spa,  a healing hand at a church service, or a smack on the butt between football players, it is hard to deny the need of human beings to touch and be touched.  And this is just talking about non-sexual touching.

I realize this is a hotly debated subject, but I am of the opinion that sexual touch (when appropriate, and consensual) is just as necessary and positive.  Ancient cultures have long recognized the healing effects of sexual touch.  I find it ironic that American Christians in particular have come to view sexual touch as wrong and sinful.  I am getting into a subject for another post (religion and sex), but suffice it to say, it’s my opinion that touch in general, and sexual touch specifically is a positive force.

So, in doing research for this post, I came across some good information.  This webpage is very lengthy and academic, but has some great information and observations about human beings and touch, and is worth at least a skim, if not a complete read: To Touch Or Not To Touch.

However, I would like to leave this post with a positive vibe.  Here are two links having to do with folks who are in the business of hugging.  Yes, hugging.  They recognize the importance of a simple hug, and their purpose and cause are nothing short of inspirational.  Please check them out:

Hug Nation
Free Hugs Campaign

So, it’s been my observation that many 30 to 40-something women seem to be generally at peace with who they are by now.  They have had some experiences, gained some knowledge, and generally feel comfortable with who they have turned out to be – mentally and physically, and in particular sexually.  I find it ironic that women in their 30’s and 40’s (and beyond?) often see themselves as the most complete they have ever been.  This is in spite of the fact that physically they may be at a point slightly beyond their peak.

I’m no expert, so I can’t really give you any specific evidence or professional reasoning.  But, I wager to guess there’s a host of factors.  For one, I think that my generation – and previous ones – have grappled with growing up in a society that still has sexist (and sometimes downright misogynist) viewpoints.  Many are subtle, and a few are pretty obvious.  There is still a double-standard when it comes to parenting a girl vs. parenting a boy.  A promiscuous girl is a slut (negative connotation), whereas a promiscuous boy is a stud (positive connotation.)  That is just one example, but suffice it to say that growing up as a girl provides you with a very different perspective and self-esteem, than growing up as a boy.  I think a woman that has grown up in the current society has to go through several years of self-discovery before realizing what an amazing creature she truly is.  It is this process, this discovery, that finally reveals the complete woman – mentally, spiritually, sexually – and the realization that the physical is secondary to these things.

How ironic that by the time a woman totally “gets it” in the sex department, she is most likely years into a committed relationship, and perhaps not at her physical prime.  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.  Certainly if the woman can capitalize on this new-found completeness, it is not only to her own advantage, but to the advantage of the guy she’s with.  And one of the things I appreciate about guys is the fact that – and ladies I want you to really hear this – a woman does not have to be perfect to be attractive to a guy.  Sure, there are guys that have ridiculous physical standards – but I’m going to guess that for the most part those guys are so superficial and into themselves that it’s likely they are not going to be that into pleasing you anyway.  And trust me – you want a guy that is into pleasing you!  Most guys – and this is one of the things I love about guys – most of them appreciate you for who you are.  We as women are much much harder on ourselves – and each other (which is another post for another day!)

I am hopeful that this conundrum is diminishing.  I recently read an article about how women currently in college are very comfortable with themselves sexually.  They have no problem admitting they watch porn, and have healthy sex lives.  These are women that have (in my opinion) realized their “completeness” earlier.  And hopefully they will reap the benefits.  I am not saying they don’t have their share of baggage – everyone does.  But I am hopeful and joyful at the prospect that young adult women today are enjoying themselves sexually while they are still at their peak physically.  Wow, what a combination!  Ladies, we are a force to be reckoned with, and don’t you forget it!  We are the whole package – and we should be proud of that.  And regardless of when you realize it, becoming comfortable – becoming proud – of who you are is essential to your well-being.

I wish each of you that feeling of completeness – that feeling of contentment and pride – in being an amazing creature in this world.  In being a woman.  And as much as I try to shy away from any cheesy characterization, male or female, I find myself secretly wanting to beat my chest and say “I am woman, hear me roar!”

This is no doubt a subject that we’ve all discussed, or at least thought about.  But I figure I’ll weigh in on it with my two cents (woo hoo, two cliches in one sentence!)  So here goes.

 Ladies, don’t do it!  I know, I know.  It’s late, you’re tired, or you’re not comfortable expressing yourself sexually, and yet you’ve decided to go ahead and “appease” your guy with a little something-something.  Hey, that’s mighty unselfish of you, girlfriend.  But you’re doing yourself a disservice by faking that “O”.  Yes, it’ll be over sooner.  Yes, he’ll be happy because he’ll think you both got yours.  But that’s where the logic ends.  It’s a short-term gain, but a long-term loss.  Because now he THINKS he knows how to please you.  And he’ll do whatever it is he did (that didn’t do it for you), again.  And again.  Aaaaand, again.  And if it didn’t do it for you the first time, chances are it ain’t gonna do it for you the second….or EVER.  Except that now he thinks he’s found the key.  The key to turning you on.  And to tell him that’s not it, would be to admit it wasn’t it when he did it before.  Which means you’d have to admit you faked it.  Not a great thing to tell a guy.  Particularly if it’s a guy you like/love/lust after.

So, it’s my suggestion that you risk the “short term” gain, and concentrate on the “long term”.  If he’s not hitting the right spots, resist the urge to moan and groan like a porn star.  I know – you’re good at it, and that’s awesome.  When you’re actually enjoying yourself.  The great thing about most guys is that when they are into you, they are eager to please, and eager to learn.  So, if he’s having trouble figuring out how to push your buttons, help him out ladies!  Take his hand, and put it “right there”.  Tell him what to do, when to do it, for how long, and with the exact kind of pressure that drives you wild!  Tell him, show him, make him understand how to send you into the orgasm stratosphere!  You may have to go through a few practice sessions, but I think in most circumstances, you will reap the rewards.

The two may seem unrelated, but I’m here to tell you they go together like chocolate and strawberries!  Rather than re-invent the wheel, I will defer to two great resources already out there:

 1.  Treehugger.com – How to Green Your Sex Life (including info on: Sex Toys, Lube, Condoms, Sexy Giving, Green and Sexy Fun, Bamboo in Bed, Eco Undies, Sweeter Juice, Natural Aphrodisiacs, Meeting That Special Treehugger, Birth Control, Post-Sex Pee, Go Sexy But Go Durable, Throw a Green Sex Toy Party, Work It, Personal Lawn Care, and more.)

2.  Eco-Friendly Sex Toys from Babeland.com  (offering items like an Eco-Sexy Kit, Rechargeable Vibrators, Skin-Safe Materials, All Natural Ingredients and more.)

May each of us improve our sex life, and the environment, at the same time!

After much research, I have selected three main websites that I like for sex toys, lingerie, DVDs, etc.  Here’s the list, and I’ll give you a short explanation on why I chose them (in alphabetical order):

1.    Babeland – great selection, women-friendly, helpful reviews, buyers guides, easy navigation, informative
2.    Eden Fantasys – great selection, women-friendly, helpful reviews, easy navigation, informative
3a.  O 4 Her store (by Sex Toy Sex) – discount pricing, great selection, helpful reviews, user-friendly, bachelorette party category, Video On Demand available
3b.  O 4 Her Lingerie (by Sex Toy Sex) – discount pricing, selections are sexy and unique, easy navigation

In the near future, I will be making some purchases from these stores, and giving you my review (not only of the product, but of the website/services.)  Feel free to post your own review of these websites, or recommend other websites in the comments here.  The more details the better!

Happy shopping!

So, I was recently talking with my friend and we were discussing how your sex life changes when you have been with someone for a “long time” (I have purposefully made this term vague because the definition of “long time” is different for everyone, but most of us reach that threshold, that point of no return, eventually.)  Mind you, I am not saying it’s a bad thing, just a different thing.  And for many reasons, which I won’t go into because that’s not what this post is about, we seem to sort of settle into a routine (in general and in relation to sex) when we’re in a long-term relationship.

Since sex is unquestionably one of the most important factors in a relationship, and most folks usually strive to stay in a relationship for as long as possible, I think this is worth a post.  Just as all relationships are unique, so are the ways in which we keep our sex life exciting.  Personally, I’ve been with my hubby for close to 15 years.  Yikes that’s a long time!  Well, in my own subjective view anyway.  And yet I feel fortunate that I can honestly say he still turns me on!  Even though the butterflies in the stomach, the twitterpaited (that’s a Bambi reference, however I’m not sure how to spell it….) feeling is a thing of the past, I can still look at my man and get excited that I’m with him.  We still hold hands, even in public, and are generally affectionate with each other (which will no doubt embarrass our kids when they get older. Heh!)  But I will admit that in the day to day craziness of family life, we are not as focused on that physical contact any more.  And I am sure many folks out there have let pretty much all affection fade into non-existence.

So, how do we keep things fresh?  Let’s explore a few options.  In addition to tapping the well of my own creativity, I have some creative girlfriends, and I’ve been able to learn a few things from them.  One of my friends recently said that even if she’s not exactly in the mood, she rarely turns her husband down.  Wow.  I consider myself to be more horny than most chicks, but I’ll go ahead and admit that my dear husband has gotten a fair share of turn-downs! Hey, we’ve got two kids and I’m freakin’ exhausted at the end of the day, so there.  Of course since my friend has two kids as well, I guess I really can’t use that as an excuse now, can I?  Anyway, I asked her why she operates this way, and she said that it really is a pretty simple thing to do for him, she knows it makes him happy, and who wouldn’t want a happy man around the house?  Huh.  Never thought of it exactly in that way until then, but I had to admit she had a point.  Since then, I have tried to put myself in that mindset.  It’s actually easier than I thought.  Especially because I always end up enjoying it once we’re “in process”, and I usually end up thinking – why don’t we do this more often?  So, I try and keep that end result in mind, when I get that little nudge/look/pinch/grope (Dudes.  They’re nothing if not obvious, right?)

Sometimes, the actress in me comes in handy (I’m not talking about faking it, by the way.)  It’s a little exercise called “sense memory”.  I try and recall when we first started dating and how he used to make me feel just by walking into the room.  Those sexy blue eyes, that glowing surfer tan, and rippling muscles, that “commando” bulge in his Levi’s 501’s…..and I’m there!  I think I feel a little tingle down below even just from typing this!  I remember how we would lick and suck and fuck (OK, sometimes it was make love) all night.  Literally, the sun would be coming up.  My mouth was sore from making out so much – not to mention other parts of my body that were sore!  And the passion!  He was so tender and yet so strong.  He knew exactly what to do and when to do it to make me shiver with pleasure.  And now fast-forward several years (and two kids) later, and there he is.  That same guy.  He still has no problem bringing me pleasure!  He’s been there all along, but I guess sometimes I get so busy I forget to see him.  I mean really see him.  Perhaps it’s obvious and cliche, but I’ve realized a trip down memory lane is definitely good for your sex life!

Sometimes, as we grow older and more mature, we find new things that turn us on.  Another friend of mine recently mentioned that seeing a man doing something around the house that he doesn’t normally do would totally turn her on.  Certainly this is not the kind of thing that would have turned me on in my 20’s, pre-marriage.  That’s not really what I was looking for.  But I have to admit that it has a certain appeal now!  I am fortunate that my husband is actually the neat freak of the family (yes, it’s awesome but it does have it’s down side too….another post perhaps….) but I enjoy watching him mow the lawn, put together a new toy, or wrestle with our kids.  I think most women in my stage in life would agree that there’s something about a strong man engaged in domestic activities that’s downright sexy!  The only caveat about this, is that usually when my guy is doing some domestic duty, it’s not exactly the best time to jump him!  So instead I conjure up these images once we are free to do as we please.  Hopefully I won’t blurt out “oh yeah babe, push that vacuum cleaner!” the next time our bodies are entangled in passionate sex….although since he is the neat freak, perhaps he could roll with it….

Well, every once in a while I’m going to post a topic that has a bit more depth and seriousness, so I thought I’d tackle one of the “biggies” in the sex department: infidelity. Although there may be varying opinions on the exact definition (“I did not have sex with that woman” comes to mind!), for the purposes of this post, I am talking about a person in a committed relationship who secretly engages in sexual activity (touching private parts) with someone other than their partner.

 Although this is a serious subject, I thought I’d start off with a little antecdote.  This is a story I heard from a friend, who heard it from her friend, etc.  Apparently a woman was suspicious that her husband was having an affair so she decided to come home early, and lo and behold she caught him, mid-coitus, with antoher woman. And since the husband had been a master at manipulating his wife thusfar and successful at covering his tracks, he thought he’d give this one a go.  He immediately began to tell her that this was not what it looked like at all, quite defensively.  When she refused to believe any of his ridiculous stories, he became indignant and said, “Well, who do you believe? Me, or your eyes?” Fortunately, the woman decided to trust her eyes, rather than Mr. Liar Liar Pants On Fire. It still amazes me that he was that dumb/ballsy/egotistical/shallow, to think she would fall for that! Though, I’m sure somewhere out there, there are folks that would….unfortunatley!

Anyway, so infidelity. Is it ever OK? Generally speaking, my opinion is no.  I may have adventurous “morals” when it comes to pornography and sex toys, but I am a firm believer in fidelity, honesty, and ethical behavior. However, I have learned that nothing in this life is black and white, so I ponder what possible scenarios would make it OK? If not OK, at least understandable.  What if you are in a loveless marriage? What if your partner cheated on you first?  Well, my first answer is – then get a divorce.  But: What if the partner makes threats to try and keep you from getting a divorce? What if you don’t want to put your young kids through a divorce? What if you are financially dependant upon your partner and can’t afford to be divorced? These are all scenarios that seem to put you in a bit of a trap. Stay in the marriage, have zero sex/love/intimacy/touch, but maintain your finances/kids/normal routines.  Or, ask for a divorce, go through hell, put your kids through hell, your finances through hell, and embark on an new, scary and unknown future.  Or, stay in your marriage so you have the financial and domestic stability – and then cheat on your partner to have the sex/love/intimacy/touch you crave. Hmmmm – none of these seem like great choices.

I’d like to expore option three: cheat.  OK, so let’s say you decide you’re going to try this option. In theory, it sounds like at least a decent compromise, especially if your partner is doing it (hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right?)  And perhaps it would even turn out OK - you could have your cake and eat it too, girlfriend!  Heck, it might even make sex a bit more exciting – you’d have that “doing something bad”, “we might get caught” excitement! But personally, when I have a tough decision to make, I look at possible consequences.  This is my philosophy: “What is the worst-case scenario, and am I OK with it?” If I’m not, then I just don’t do it. Period. So, what is the worst-case scenario? Certainly one could argue it would be getting caught.  What would your partner do? How would it affect your relationship? What if your child(ren) found out? Another “worst-case scenario” might be – you actually fall in love with your lover. Now what do you do? Leave your husband for your lover? Continue with your loveless marriage and your loving affair – not able to fulfill a 100% committment to the one you love? Hmmmm.

What about a little twist on the cheating concept: what if you tell your partner the truth? What if you discuss the fact that the passion is gone, but getting a divorce would have dire consequences for you both?  What if you tell your partner you want to have an affair? Hey, he can have his, you’ll have yours, and you can stay in the marriage for convenience-sake. Certainly that wouldn’t work in many scenarios because the partner wouldn’t agree to it.  But would it be OK if both partners agreed to it ahead of time?  It does take care of the “honesty” dilema.  However, there are still “worst-case scenarios” like your child(ren) finding out.  Hmmmm…..

I have another angle on this.  What if your lover was also in a relationship/marriage.  Are you OK with hurting his partner? Could you inflict that kind of pain on another human being? If you have ever been cheated on, and hurt in that way, this is a serious consideration. And since I for one believe in Karma/The Golden Rule/What come around goes around (whatever you want to call it), I think I’d have to factor this into the equation as well.  As if it weren’t complicated enough! Hmmmm….

Well, I’ve said a lot, and voiced my opinion, but this is probably the most important thing I can say:  Since this is not a psychology blog, I am not a counselor, and I don’t know your unique situation, this is my ultimate recommendation. If your relationship/marriage is in trouble – please seek the help of a professional counselor/psychologist/therapist. This is serious stuff, and if you care about the other person, not to mention yourself, not to mention if there are other loved-ones that are being affected, you need to do this.  NOW! Do not make excuses – figure out a way to do it. Make the time, set aside the money, get support from friends/family, just get there. Your partner won’t join you? Go by yourself. Just go! The problem isn’t going to go away, and you deserve to make the best of your life, starting now.

What are you doing still reading this? Go call a therapist, for goodnessake!

Yep, it’s an unavoidable subject, even on a site for women (uh, especially on a site for women!)  Most of us are aware that it happens.  Frequently.  Like, All. The. Time! And although the “word is out” that it’s normal, I still get the sense that most women are uneasy about this.  I know, I know – women feel that it’s an insult somehow because he’s choosing his own hand over her hand/mouth/pussy/tushy (that’s a whole different post though!) She feels that somehow she must not be THAT good, if he has to diddle himself. And I don’t know why my little post here is going to convince her otherwise, considering she hasn’t paid attention to the logic before.  But here goes. Ladies – do not feel threatened by your guy jacking off! It has nothing to do with you.  Honest.  I asked.  Just to make sure.  Hey, we’re not born sexually confident – we have to earn it, which means asking and learning. And here is what I’ve learned. Most guys have an insatiable sexual appetite. Most guys like a little variety.  Most guys put sex, attraction, and love in entirely different categories. Enter masturbation. It’s quick, it’s easy, it means nothing. It releases that constant sexual tension that guys deal with – thank you testosterone, thank you very much.  Yep. That’s exactly what guys are looking for in the sex category. I’m not saying that’s what they think of when they have sex with you – because there’s usually one or both other categories involved (love, or at least attraction.) And that’s entirely my point. Unless you’re a prostitute (yet another subject for another post!), sex with you is at least about attraction and maybe even love. Comparing his jacking off to sex with you is the proverbial “apples and oranges”.  They’re just different. And it’s not that he’s choosing masterbation instead of sex – he’s choosing it in addition to sex. And ladies – we could learn a thing or two about that mentality! Once again, this is another subject for another post (I have lots to say on lots of stuff, huh!) but masterbation can be just as pleasurable, normal, and frequent for the ladies. Especially given the fact that many women out there haven’t quite figured out how to get to that “Big O” every single time with a guy. Anyway, I’ll save my opinions on female jacking off for another post.

So, back to guys jacking off.  I’ll take this subject one step further.  I had an experience that changed my life sexually forever (in a good way, fortunately!)  Several years ago, when my now-hubby and I were living together, I accidentally walked in on him in mid-jack-off.  There he was, sitting at our computer with his back to me, looking at some hot chick on the screen, whacking away.  It so caught me off-guard that I let out a little gasp, which of course made him immediately stop and turn around in his chair, looking as surprised as I felt – OK probably more so. I appologized, he appologized.  It was an appology-fest. I walked back out of the room, and no doubt his “session” was o-v-e-r.  However, as I walked away, with that image fresh in my head, I realized – OMG – I am totally turned on! Who woulda thought?  Am I a complete weirdo for getting turned on by seeing a guy jacking off?  What exactly about it turned me on?  Hmmmm.  And so began a new chapter in my sexual life: admitting that I LOVE to see a guy jack off.  Love it.  Who knows why?  And honestly, who cares?  That’s the beauty of what turns us on - it is what it is.  Period.  As long as it’s consentual and doesn’t hurt anyone against their will, why question it? Go with it.  Make it work for you.  Which is exactly what I did.  I worked up enough courage (OK, it took a little while – I was still earning my sexual confidence) to tell my dude.  And what I love about him (and most guys) is that he was not only cool with it, he tried to help me out.  One day, several months later, I came home to find him in our bed, Mr. Winky (I don’t really call it that, by the way – just trying to mix up the vernacular) in hand, waiting for me to “catch” him.  Which, as it turns out was kinda difficult since he didn’t know quite when I was going to be home.  Picture him jacking off enough to keep it up but not cum, for like, I dunno, 15-20 minutes….lol, poor guy!  And how awesome that he wanted to help me with my new-found fantasy!  Yep, I think I’ll keep him.  Anyway, my point (well one of them anyway) is that this jacking off thing has the potential to be more than just for him.  Since that infamous day, we now jack off for each other, in front of each other – and it is a huge turn-on for both us!  For those of you who haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it.

 My conclusion:  guys jacking off = sexy!  OK, I gotta go….um….yeah……you know…..