It had been a week since I’d seen him. I had been distracted and displaced by a week-long trip with the kids to visit family. He had to stay home and work. In the whirlwind that is coming home, with suitcases, stuffed animals, and half-empty juice boxes, I barely had time to give the father of my children a hug and kiss. Which is why I didn’t notice that look. I didn’t know what he had planned. I mean, I KNEW what he had planned - for goodnessake I had plans of my own! Even a married mom of two has needs and desires. But I was expecting the usual. Which in his defense; in OUR defense, is not bad - and in fact is always (and I truly mean ALWAYS) a happy ending for both of us! But my husband, my soul-mate, my lover extraordinaire has been known from time to time to kick it up a notch (sorry, Emeril, I would imagine that’s not exactly what you had in mind for your signature phrase!) And so, it is no surprise that when the kids’ bedtime approached, their father was uncharacteristically involved in making sure they were P.J.’d, tooth-brushed, and tucked sweetly (and efficiently) into bed. Before I had time to consider my next move, I was being not-so-nonchalantly led to our bedroom. And before the door was partially open, I noticed the flicker that can only come from candlelight. Once completely inside, with the door closed (and locked - hey, we have no desire to scar our kids for life!), only then did I notice the transformation of our bedroom. The entire room was peppered with candles flickering and beckoning me to succumb to their romance. “Passion” by Peter Gabriel was playing on the iPod player. While I was taking in the scene, my man handed me a glass of champagne. Dang, he must have really missed me! Which works out great since I missed him too. It wasn’t long before the champagne glasses were put down, and we found ourselves making out on our bed. It’s the kind of making out where you KNOW the outcome. You KNOW you’re gonna get naked. You KNOW you’re gonna do it. There’s no question. There’s no discussion. There’s only the taking off of clothes. He kissed me passionately, and though he’s kissed me that way a thousand times, he still manages to make me feel like we are new in our relationship. Like we are still learning our rhythms, our timing, still discovering each other’s power. With our naked bodies pressed together, he slowly moves lower…..and lower…..and lower. Past my neck, with a momentary focus on my breasts, and then slowly down my stomach, he reaches….downtown. By this time I am throbbing down there, and can’t wait to feel his soft lips and tongue. He heartily obliges, with the expertise of someone who has been doing this long enough to know EXACTLY what sends me through the roof. And after providing unending moments of pleasure, he begins to move his lips back up my stomach. But before I can moan any form of complaint, his hard cock has moved in to place, and has begun to pleasure me in ways that lips cannot. And after providing unending moments of pleasure, he slowly and carefully removes it, and his lips begin the descent again. And so it goes for quite some time: a tag-team of lips and cock; oral and fucking; clit and penetration. And with each switch, it sends me further and further to the edge. In my heightened state of pleasure I can’t decide when I’d rather let myself go. Should I wait until his tongue is firmly pressed on my clit? Or perhaps while his hard cock is deep inside me? Either one would provide the exact release I’ve been craving for far too long now. I finally decide I can hold out no longer, while he happens to have his head buried between my legs. I moan - or mumble - some sort of (for lack of a better word?) warning. With both hands grasping the hair on his head, I feel the waves of ecstasy wash over me again and again….and again! Once he sees that I am basking in the beauty of it all, it doesn’t take him long to insert his cock and reach his own ecstasy, all the while I am still pressing his hips firmly into mine. After we both settle down, he rolls off of me and onto his back next to me. We both stare at the ceiling and verbally pat ourselves on our backs for still “having it” after all these years…

“Sex and relationships, infused by the brain.”

I don’t have much time these days to devote to reading other blogs, but I do have my favorites (see my list of “My Favorite Blogs”), and the one I seem to always check regularly (and the one I like to contribute comments to) is Smart Girls Who Do It. Not only are the blog post subjects interesting, but the posts (and most of the comments) are always a great read. Whether witty, funny, deep, informational, entertaining, or any combination, I always find myself getting sucked in to reading everything - even when I “don’t have the time”.  It is one of very few blogs that I get excited about when I see a new post there.  Anyway, this is a personal recommendation, so go check it out!  And let me know what you think!

So, I consider myself to be pretty liberal when it comes to being attracted to different types of guys. I have enjoyed being intimate with a rainbow of men; of various cultures, colors, ages, backgrounds and the like. On a strictly physical standpoint, I think there are examples of good looking guys in every race on the planet, within a fairly large age-bracket, and in varying degrees of height and weight.

And this is the type of thing I was proudly explaining to a friend of mine several years ago. To which he answered - “OK, so if you are so open to dating all types of people, then how about a woman?” And he was not talking about the “one night I kinda hooked up with a girl”, or even the experimental ” lesbian phase”. He was talking about seriously maintaining a loving relationship with a female of our species. Hmmmm. A very good point, I had to admit. And my answer?: “I guess I haven’t met the woman to bring that out in me yet.” (Aside from my crush on k.d. lang, but I haven’t actually met her, so we aren’t able to put that theory to the test!) Of course I thought my answer was a pretty good one at the time, but through the years that question has surfaced in my mind many times. Yes, I am happily married to my soul-mate who just happens to be a man. No, I would not leave him for anyone - man OR woman. But on a purely hypothetical basis, I have asked myself - would I be open enough to consider a serious relationship with a woman?

I would like to say my answer is yes. I mean, love is love, right? I am a firm believer that it’s not what the person looks like, it’s who they are. And if that’s the case then it should apply to anyone at all in the human race, including folks of my own sex. Women. Chicks. Should we not all consider swinging both ways? Playing for both teams? It sure would increase the odds of finding someone, don’t you think? For women, it would be by over 50%, in fact (since women account for just over 50% of the world’s population.)

Of course I think this consideration is much easier to even entertain if you are a woman. I mean, a straight man considering playing for the other team? Yah, right! LMAO! Never. Not in a million years. What’s that? You want to remind me of the “gay for pay” straight guys that have sex with a guy on film for money? OK, maybe it’s a gay guy pretending to be straight, or maybe it really is the very example of what I’m talking about - appreciating a sexy body regardless of sex. But let’s face it, for some reason it is much easier for most folks to enjoy seeing two women together. Certainly straight men have no problem with this. OK, they downright GET OFF on the mere IDEA for goodness-sake (and that is a subject for another post!) But I have to admit that I too would rather see two women together than two men. So why is that? You would think that if straight men enjoyed seeing two women together, then straight women would like to see two men together. And yet, uh……NO! Not my favorite thing. Don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate the concept of two men together. I am a complete and 100% proponent of love/sex/whatever between two men. I think gay marriage should be legal and accepted (also another future post topic.) One of my favorite TV shows of all time is “Queer As Folk”, and I think the guy-on-guy sex scenes were instrumental and absolutely necessary. I absolutely appreciated the love and lust expressed between the characters. But honestly, as a generally straight woman (who is mildly bi-curious…?) I can say with certainty that I would rather see two women together. Any time, any place, in pretty much any and all circumstances. Why? I dunno. I would venture to guess it gets down to a purely physical instinct. Perhaps there is some scientific data/science that backs this up - which I’m sure you could find on the Internet. All I know is what comes naturally to me, and most folks I know.

So, perhaps I should make some sort of conclusion now, following my typical long-winded discourse. And here it is: Two women together? SEXY! Does this mean straight women should try dating other women? I dunno. Is it discrimination if they don’t? I dunno. Two men together? SEXY (mostly to gay men.) Does this mean straight men should try dating other men? Since I’m not a straight man, I don’t feel like I can answer this with any credibility. I’m gonna guess, though, that most straight guys would answer with a resounding “Hell NO!” Is this discrimination? I dunno. And so, the majority of my responses to the questions are?: “I dunno.”

LOL - not sure if my post contained any new/additional/helpful information or answers, but hopefully it got you thinking….That’s the best I can offer right now!

You may look at the title of this post and say, “huh?” so let me explain.  I don’t know much about the deaf community.  But I had a great conversation today with a hearing friend of mine who has been taking sign-language classes.  As a by-product of learning to sign, she has also been introduced to some of the complexities of the deaf community that differ from the hearing community.  She also happens to have a mind similar to mine (she seems to gravitate to the sexual questions and observations.)  She was curious to know how a deaf guy would know during sex when his chick has cum, considering he would not be able to hear the “Ohhhhh!” (or some other form of audible confirmation.)  So, she mustered up the guts and asked one of her new deaf friends.  His response?  He said that the partially deaf would utilize their hearing aids, but if that option was not available they would be more “attentive”.  This piqued my friend’s interest, and mine as well.  And it made me draw the conclusion that in theory the deaf would make excellent lovers.  Wouldn’t you like to have a lover who concentrates on being attentive?  Who watches for and learns to recognize every move, every expression, every response - and reacts accordingly?  A lover who is acutely aware of the senses other than sound?  Who pays attention to detail?  Who notices the slightest change in your actions and reactions?  Wow.  I realize that the sounds associated with sex can be a huge turn-on for many people, but isn’t the bottom line about sensation?  And who better to fulfill that desire than someone who is accustomed to tuning in to and interpreting touch and sight?  Now, as I said before I am admittedly uneducated about the deaf.  And I realize that you can not classify any group of people that simply.  In fact, no doubt there are folks out there who have sexual experiences within the deaf community that would refute what I am saying - and rightfully so.  I am merely making a very general theory, based on a very limited viewpoint.  Nonetheless, I mean this theory to be a compliment to the deaf, and it is meant more as a commentary on how all of us could be more attentive during sex - and in general.  I think if we took the time to really pay attention to ALL of our senses, we would notice so much more and benefit greatly from it.  How many times have you been looking right at someone and not “seen” them?  How many times have you misinterpreted someone because you were unable to determine their “signals”?  How many times have you been frustrated that someone didn’t understand you because they were not paying attention?  So, the next time you find yourself sexually entangled with someone - do them (and yourself) a favor and really pay attention to ALL your senses.  I have a feeling you will noticeably improve the experience for both of you!

So, apparently I needed to look up some statistical data to determine my intuitive guess.  And just as I assumed, there are not a lot of women who have orgasms from intercourse - or that have them regularly at all.  I had arrived at this theory, not due to my own experience (I know, I’m one of those lucky bitches who cums pretty easily….more on that later), but due to listening to and reading about other women’s experiences.  Holy crap, there are so many women that have a hard time cumming!  According to my research, about 10% of women have NEVER had an orgasm.  And only about 30% of women can have an orgasm from intercourse only (the remainder need clitoral stimulation to reach that elusive finish line.)  Dang!  Seeing those numbers makes me want to figure out how to improve them!  It’s no wonder that women in long-term relationships tend to have sex less often.  I mean, if you KNEW you weren’t gonna get yours most of the time, and you had already “been there, done that” many times, and then add factors like a busy life, job, kids, that create a constant state of exhaustion, it’s no wonder that most women in a long-term relationship are not really interested in sex nearly as often as their male partner.  I am of course speaking of straight couples - I would imagine that lesbian couples may have an entirely different experience (which perhaps I can explore on a later post.)  Anyway, I came to an “a-ha” moment recently about this.  If a woman like me (who pretty much cums every time I have sex with my husband), still finds herself turning him down due to exhaustion and/or just not being in the mood (we women are complex creatures - even those of us that are pretty comfortable with our sexuality), then how much more difficult must it be for a woman who doesn’t normally reach an orgasm to agree to sex with her long-term partner?  I mean, I may start out being sort of half into it, but by the time I am basking in the afterglow, I am always glad I succumbed to my husband’s advances, and am usually wondering why we don’t do it more often.  But I have to be honest and say that if I knew it was only going to be for his pleasure, I would most certainly turn him down more often.

So, I am a firm believer that in order to fix a problem you have to understand why it’s happening to begin with.  According to my research, there are a few reasons why women don’t/can’t orgasm.  Apparently there are some biological reasons (some women just seem to be more predisposed to cum than others.)  Experience plays a part, too.  As women have more sexual experiences, they are able to learn what turns them on, and what exact physical stimulation is required for that elusive “O”.  And most experts agree that the woman’s mental state has a lot to do with it.  If you are inhibited, anxious, nervous, stressed-out or otherwise preoccupied, reaching an orgasm is virtually impossible.  There are scientific reasons for this, and if you’re interested, there’s a wealth of information on the web for you to discover.  But since I don’t want my blog posts to be anthologies, I will let you do your own research on the details.  Suffice it to say that if your mind isn’t on the same page as your sex-drive, you’re spinning your wheels.  Unlike guys, who can easily shut off their minds during sex, we women have to jump through a few more hoops to “get there”.

So, HOW do we get there?   Well, as with most important things in life, the answer is extremely complex, and dependent upon the individual.  But I did seem to find some common themes in my research.  Here are a few tips:

- If you have no problem reaching an orgasm when flying solo (masturbating), then your problem is more likely mental.
- Use clitoral stimulation in conjunction with intercourse (does it really matter how you get there as long as you get there?)
- Try new stuff (you never know what may hit that high note for you!)
- Speak up!  Tell him what he needs to do to get you where you want to be
- Do whatever it takes to rid yourself of stress, anxiety, and any other roadblocks - at least during sex!

That’s just a brief excerpt of the information I found.  If you are interested in learning more about how you can improve your own orgasm odds, I recommend you do some research on the web that you can tailor to your own needs/situation.  In addition, there is some great information on some of my favorite websites: Babeland, EdenFantasys, and Hot Movies For Her.  If you are committed to improving your sex life, there’s a good chance will be successful!

Here’s to more orgasms more often for women everywhere!

I just added my O4her aStore through Amazon.com!  I have hand-picked items that I think would appeal to women, in three categories:  books, DVDs, and apparel.  This is just the beginning.  I will be refining my store as I go along, and adding more categories and things like listmania’s, etc. and building up a list of exclusive reviews just for my O 4 Her chicks!  The sheer selection available through Amazon.com was enough of a reason to have a store through them.  There are really some great items, and I look forward to personally reviewing many of them as we go along on this O 4 Her journey!  If you would like to recommend a particular item - either in my store or not - just add a comment.  If it’s not in my store, I’ll put in there as soon as I read your comment!  I hope you enjoy browsing and shopping as much as I have! See below for a sampling of my store, or click on the link in this post, or under my “Sexy Shopping” section to the right. Enjoy!

So, I just recently watched the movie “Miss Potter”, which if you don’t already know is about the famous children’s book author.  In addition to enjoying an excellent movie, I was also struck by the extreme restrictions placed on women - particularly as sexual beings.  Not that I wasn’t already aware of this subject, but it was a vivid reminder.  I am absolutely amazed at the fact that ANY sex-positive thoughts at all made it through that era to be passed down to future generations!  And I have drawn two conclusions from this:

1.  Being sex-positive must be a natural instinct.  Otherwise, how could it survive such strong suppression, for such extended periods of time, in so many places in the world?

2.  We ALL owe a great debt of gratitude to those in previous eras who bravely paved the way for us.  Certainly we still have improvements to make, but at the risk of sounding cliche: “We’ve come a long way, baby!”

Anyway, just a quick little post here….more later.

The board and judges of the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards have announced the winners of the 2008 Sexies.

I’m just dropping in to recommend this kick-ass website, Stockroom.com.  For the curious, the novice, or the advanced, this website is the cream of the crop (where you can get both a crop and some cream!)  As I’ve mentioned before, I have always been fascinated with the whole dominatrix type stuff, and this website is the answer to my dreams!  I will most definitely be getting some stuff from them, and reviewing it in the near future.  In the meantime, check them out - and feel free to post a comment about what you think….

My friend and I were having a discussion today about soul-mates.  Do they exist?  How do you know?  Should we “hold out” until we’ve found ours?  What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soul-mate?  These are all difficult questions, and as I’ve said before I’m not an expert, but I figure I’ll take a stab at these and give ya my opinion.  And it’s just that - an opinion.  No doubt you have your own, and I’d love to hear it too!:

Do “soul-mates” exist?  Yes.  This may sound and feel like salt in the wounds to those who haven’t found theirs, but I am basing this on my own experience.  There is no question in my mind that my husband and I are soul-mates.  Not only do we each realize we have something amazing, but our friends and family - those who know us best - would agree.  This doesn’t mean we don’t have issues and frustrations with each other, like every other couple.  This is normal.  In fact I think if you don’t piss each other off from time to time, you don’t have the passion to be soul-mates.  It’s a difficult balance, and one I have a hard time explaining.  Which brings me to the next question….

How do you know?  Instead of the “I just know” answer, I will try and describe as best I can.  It starts with each of us as individuals.  Both of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to “let go” and love unabashedly.  This takes an amount of humility - and at the same time self-esteem - that not everyone is ready for.  But it’s those two things that allowed us to recognize the “soul-mate” potential in each other.  Conversely, both of us had also come to realize that we deserved to be treated with respect, and would not put up with anything less.  Balance.  Another aspect is that we connect on many levels.  We are best friends, lovers, room-mates, and study-partners (what class, you ask?  LIFE.)  In short, we are everything to each other.  However, this doesn’t mean we NEED each other, to the exclusivity of others.  We recognize the importance of close relationships with others (friends and family), and aren’t threatened by them.  Balance.  Here’s another aspect:  Know Thyself.  Simple to say, not so simple to do.  But if you are not willing to dig deep into the depths of your thoughts, fears, pain, and “baggage” to truly see yourself for who you are, you will never have a chance to see someone else for who they are.  Balance.  I’ll share one last aspect.  It’s actually something I learned in (of all places!) a Marriage and Family Relations class in college:  Identify your needs vs. your wants.  We all have needs and wants regarding a partner.  But few of us take the time to clearly define them - to ourselves, let alone our partner.  As a class project I had to make a “needs” list (each item HAD to a “deal-breaker” - if the criteria wasn’t met, that partner was not “the one”.)  And we had to make a “wants” list (these items are things that would be nice, however it would be OK if our partner didn’t meet every single one.)  For instance, on my needs list I had things like:  honest, ethical, inner-strength, wants to have children, is never abusive, has a sense of humor, doesn’t smoke, is a spiritual person, etc.  On my wants list I had things like:  loves to travel, is a good dancer, is physically “my type”.  My husband possesses every single thing on my needs list.  He possesses quite a few of the things on my wants list.  The things on my wants that he doesn’t possess?  I let those go - not important.  Even a soul-mate can not be ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES.  Do not attempt to look for that fairytale prince, that knight in shining armor.  Those characters only exist in books and stories.  Accept that your partner is human, and is not great at everything, and will make mistakes.  Many mistakes.  So will you.  Balance.

So by now you have noticed a theme: balance.  Not to get all yin-yang-y on you, but my opinion is that balance in all things is a great indication that you have found your soul-mate.  I could give you tons more examples (the importance of compromise in a relationship, the realization that although some things may come easy to soul-mates it is still very hard work!, the fact that you can have an “opposites attract” relationship as long as the opposites represent things on your wants list, not your needs list, and the necessity to bring out the best in each other….to name a few.)  You will also notice two missing subjects:  sex and money.  These are the two top reasons for divorce.  So why did I not include them?  Because we are talking about soul-mates, not marriage.  And in my opinion sex and money compatibility can be successful in a marriage, even if the partners are not soul-mates.  And if you are soul-mates, sex and money issues are just two of the many “balancing acts” that are part of the relationship.  So, I’m back at that concept of balance, and I will conclude my long-winded answer with the one word that could have answered the question (do you still remember the question?  LOL)  How do you know you are soul-mates?  Balance.

 Should we “hold out” until we’ve found our soul-mate?  Yes.  And no.  I think the answer is up to each individual.  Contrary to common thought, I don’t think being with a soul-mate is a necessity.  Being in a happy marriage can be enough fulfillment for many folks.  And that’s totally OK in my opinion.  On the other hand, if you believe that you will only be happy in a marriage/long-term relationship with a soul-mate, then it might be worth it for you to spend the extra effort and time to try and track that partner down.  I think this falls into the “needs” vs. “wants” category - if you feel you don’t NEED a soul-mate, then you will probably be perfectly happy in a loving marriage with a non-soul-mate.  Either way, the answer to this question lies with each individual.

What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  My short answer is: then that person is not a true soul-mate.  To me, the only way you can have a soul-mate is if it’s mutual.  The definition is right there in the word: mate.  The word mate implies a partnership, requiring the involvement of two people.  One can not be  properly defined without the other.  I don’t care how deeply you love someone, how perfect you think you are together.  Your partner may even love you.  But as I said before, love (and marriage) do not equal soul-mates.

Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soulmate?  I think I pretty much answered this one in the section on “holding out” for your soulmate.  In a nutshell, my opinion is yes.

Well, this has proved to be one of my longer posts, but then I guess the subject matter is usually what drives the complexity of my opinions and therefore the length of my posts!  This subject is as complex as they come.  And as usual, I’ll say that I probably left out a bunch of stuff, and have barely scratched the surface of this issue.  But hopefully this is helpful to someone, somewhere!