“Sex and relationships, infused by the brain.”

I don’t have much time these days to devote to reading other blogs, but I do have my favorites (see my list of “My Favorite Blogs”), and the one I seem to always check regularly (and the one I like to contribute comments to) is Smart Girls Who Do It. Not only are the blog post subjects interesting, but the posts (and most of the comments) are always a great read. Whether witty, funny, deep, informational, entertaining, or any combination, I always find myself getting sucked in to reading everything - even when I “don’t have the time”.  It is one of very few blogs that I get excited about when I see a new post there.  Anyway, this is a personal recommendation, so go check it out!  And let me know what you think!

My friend and I were having a discussion today about soul-mates.  Do they exist?  How do you know?  Should we “hold out” until we’ve found ours?  What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soul-mate?  These are all difficult questions, and as I’ve said before I’m not an expert, but I figure I’ll take a stab at these and give ya my opinion.  And it’s just that - an opinion.  No doubt you have your own, and I’d love to hear it too!:

Do “soul-mates” exist?  Yes.  This may sound and feel like salt in the wounds to those who haven’t found theirs, but I am basing this on my own experience.  There is no question in my mind that my husband and I are soul-mates.  Not only do we each realize we have something amazing, but our friends and family - those who know us best - would agree.  This doesn’t mean we don’t have issues and frustrations with each other, like every other couple.  This is normal.  In fact I think if you don’t piss each other off from time to time, you don’t have the passion to be soul-mates.  It’s a difficult balance, and one I have a hard time explaining.  Which brings me to the next question….

How do you know?  Instead of the “I just know” answer, I will try and describe as best I can.  It starts with each of us as individuals.  Both of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to “let go” and love unabashedly.  This takes an amount of humility - and at the same time self-esteem - that not everyone is ready for.  But it’s those two things that allowed us to recognize the “soul-mate” potential in each other.  Conversely, both of us had also come to realize that we deserved to be treated with respect, and would not put up with anything less.  Balance.  Another aspect is that we connect on many levels.  We are best friends, lovers, room-mates, and study-partners (what class, you ask?  LIFE.)  In short, we are everything to each other.  However, this doesn’t mean we NEED each other, to the exclusivity of others.  We recognize the importance of close relationships with others (friends and family), and aren’t threatened by them.  Balance.  Here’s another aspect:  Know Thyself.  Simple to say, not so simple to do.  But if you are not willing to dig deep into the depths of your thoughts, fears, pain, and “baggage” to truly see yourself for who you are, you will never have a chance to see someone else for who they are.  Balance.  I’ll share one last aspect.  It’s actually something I learned in (of all places!) a Marriage and Family Relations class in college:  Identify your needs vs. your wants.  We all have needs and wants regarding a partner.  But few of us take the time to clearly define them - to ourselves, let alone our partner.  As a class project I had to make a “needs” list (each item HAD to a “deal-breaker” - if the criteria wasn’t met, that partner was not “the one”.)  And we had to make a “wants” list (these items are things that would be nice, however it would be OK if our partner didn’t meet every single one.)  For instance, on my needs list I had things like:  honest, ethical, inner-strength, wants to have children, is never abusive, has a sense of humor, doesn’t smoke, is a spiritual person, etc.  On my wants list I had things like:  loves to travel, is a good dancer, is physically “my type”.  My husband possesses every single thing on my needs list.  He possesses quite a few of the things on my wants list.  The things on my wants that he doesn’t possess?  I let those go - not important.  Even a soul-mate can not be ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES.  Do not attempt to look for that fairytale prince, that knight in shining armor.  Those characters only exist in books and stories.  Accept that your partner is human, and is not great at everything, and will make mistakes.  Many mistakes.  So will you.  Balance.

So by now you have noticed a theme: balance.  Not to get all yin-yang-y on you, but my opinion is that balance in all things is a great indication that you have found your soul-mate.  I could give you tons more examples (the importance of compromise in a relationship, the realization that although some things may come easy to soul-mates it is still very hard work!, the fact that you can have an “opposites attract” relationship as long as the opposites represent things on your wants list, not your needs list, and the necessity to bring out the best in each other….to name a few.)  You will also notice two missing subjects:  sex and money.  These are the two top reasons for divorce.  So why did I not include them?  Because we are talking about soul-mates, not marriage.  And in my opinion sex and money compatibility can be successful in a marriage, even if the partners are not soul-mates.  And if you are soul-mates, sex and money issues are just two of the many “balancing acts” that are part of the relationship.  So, I’m back at that concept of balance, and I will conclude my long-winded answer with the one word that could have answered the question (do you still remember the question?  LOL)  How do you know you are soul-mates?  Balance.

 Should we “hold out” until we’ve found our soul-mate?  Yes.  And no.  I think the answer is up to each individual.  Contrary to common thought, I don’t think being with a soul-mate is a necessity.  Being in a happy marriage can be enough fulfillment for many folks.  And that’s totally OK in my opinion.  On the other hand, if you believe that you will only be happy in a marriage/long-term relationship with a soul-mate, then it might be worth it for you to spend the extra effort and time to try and track that partner down.  I think this falls into the “needs” vs. “wants” category - if you feel you don’t NEED a soul-mate, then you will probably be perfectly happy in a loving marriage with a non-soul-mate.  Either way, the answer to this question lies with each individual.

What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  My short answer is: then that person is not a true soul-mate.  To me, the only way you can have a soul-mate is if it’s mutual.  The definition is right there in the word: mate.  The word mate implies a partnership, requiring the involvement of two people.  One can not be  properly defined without the other.  I don’t care how deeply you love someone, how perfect you think you are together.  Your partner may even love you.  But as I said before, love (and marriage) do not equal soul-mates.

Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soulmate?  I think I pretty much answered this one in the section on “holding out” for your soulmate.  In a nutshell, my opinion is yes.

Well, this has proved to be one of my longer posts, but then I guess the subject matter is usually what drives the complexity of my opinions and therefore the length of my posts!  This subject is as complex as they come.  And as usual, I’ll say that I probably left out a bunch of stuff, and have barely scratched the surface of this issue.  But hopefully this is helpful to someone, somewhere!

So, I was recently talking with my friend and we were discussing how your sex life changes when you have been with someone for a “long time” (I have purposefully made this term vague because the definition of “long time” is different for everyone, but most of us reach that threshold, that point of no return, eventually.)  Mind you, I am not saying it’s a bad thing, just a different thing.  And for many reasons, which I won’t go into because that’s not what this post is about, we seem to sort of settle into a routine (in general and in relation to sex) when we’re in a long-term relationship.

Since sex is unquestionably one of the most important factors in a relationship, and most folks usually strive to stay in a relationship for as long as possible, I think this is worth a post.  Just as all relationships are unique, so are the ways in which we keep our sex life exciting.  Personally, I’ve been with my hubby for close to 15 years.  Yikes that’s a long time!  Well, in my own subjective view anyway.  And yet I feel fortunate that I can honestly say he still turns me on!  Even though the butterflies in the stomach, the twitterpaited (that’s a Bambi reference, however I’m not sure how to spell it….) feeling is a thing of the past, I can still look at my man and get excited that I’m with him.  We still hold hands, even in public, and are generally affectionate with each other (which will no doubt embarrass our kids when they get older. Heh!)  But I will admit that in the day to day craziness of family life, we are not as focused on that physical contact any more.  And I am sure many folks out there have let pretty much all affection fade into non-existence.

So, how do we keep things fresh?  Let’s explore a few options.  In addition to tapping the well of my own creativity, I have some creative girlfriends, and I’ve been able to learn a few things from them.  One of my friends recently said that even if she’s not exactly in the mood, she rarely turns her husband down.  Wow.  I consider myself to be more horny than most chicks, but I’ll go ahead and admit that my dear husband has gotten a fair share of turn-downs! Hey, we’ve got two kids and I’m freakin’ exhausted at the end of the day, so there.  Of course since my friend has two kids as well, I guess I really can’t use that as an excuse now, can I?  Anyway, I asked her why she operates this way, and she said that it really is a pretty simple thing to do for him, she knows it makes him happy, and who wouldn’t want a happy man around the house?  Huh.  Never thought of it exactly in that way until then, but I had to admit she had a point.  Since then, I have tried to put myself in that mindset.  It’s actually easier than I thought.  Especially because I always end up enjoying it once we’re “in process”, and I usually end up thinking - why don’t we do this more often?  So, I try and keep that end result in mind, when I get that little nudge/look/pinch/grope (Dudes.  They’re nothing if not obvious, right?)

Sometimes, the actress in me comes in handy (I’m not talking about faking it, by the way.)  It’s a little exercise called “sense memory”.  I try and recall when we first started dating and how he used to make me feel just by walking into the room.  Those sexy blue eyes, that glowing surfer tan, and rippling muscles, that “commando” bulge in his Levi’s 501’s…..and I’m there!  I think I feel a little tingle down below even just from typing this!  I remember how we would lick and suck and fuck (OK, sometimes it was make love) all night.  Literally, the sun would be coming up.  My mouth was sore from making out so much - not to mention other parts of my body that were sore!  And the passion!  He was so tender and yet so strong.  He knew exactly what to do and when to do it to make me shiver with pleasure.  And now fast-forward several years (and two kids) later, and there he is.  That same guy.  He still has no problem bringing me pleasure!  He’s been there all along, but I guess sometimes I get so busy I forget to see him.  I mean really see him.  Perhaps it’s obvious and cliche, but I’ve realized a trip down memory lane is definitely good for your sex life!

Sometimes, as we grow older and more mature, we find new things that turn us on.  Another friend of mine recently mentioned that seeing a man doing something around the house that he doesn’t normally do would totally turn her on.  Certainly this is not the kind of thing that would have turned me on in my 20’s, pre-marriage.  That’s not really what I was looking for.  But I have to admit that it has a certain appeal now!  I am fortunate that my husband is actually the neat freak of the family (yes, it’s awesome but it does have it’s down side too….another post perhaps….) but I enjoy watching him mow the lawn, put together a new toy, or wrestle with our kids.  I think most women in my stage in life would agree that there’s something about a strong man engaged in domestic activities that’s downright sexy!  The only caveat about this, is that usually when my guy is doing some domestic duty, it’s not exactly the best time to jump him!  So instead I conjure up these images once we are free to do as we please.  Hopefully I won’t blurt out “oh yeah babe, push that vacuum cleaner!” the next time our bodies are entangled in passionate sex….although since he is the neat freak, perhaps he could roll with it….

So, I have sort of a theory when it comes to how men and women communicate try to communicate.  Although I have never read the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” type books, I suppose this probably would fit into a similar structure.  I don’t have any sort of expert degree, but I have been told I’d be a good therapist, so here goes:

Men.  They communicate in a relatively simple manner.  This assessment is by no means an insult - and in fact IMHO is a compliment.  Generally speaking, a guy thinks something and then he either says it verbatim or doesn’t say anything at all.  There is very little “editing” that goes on between thought and word.  So, for the most part what you hear is what you get.

Women.  They communicate in a relatively complex manner.  This assessment is not completely an insult because there are times where complexity translates into finesse.  However, the editing process in a chick’s brain is something short of a freakin’ three-ring circus. It starts with the first thought process, and it goes through various other processes that take into account all kinds of extraneous factors, including but not limited to the current circumstances, what she thinks the participants want to hear, who is present in the conversation, who is within earshot, who is not present in the conversation, how all those people relate to the woman, and any possible future outcomes that may or may not be associated with said comment. What comes out of the woman’s mouth may therefore not resemble her initial thoughts at all, and in fact may actually be the exact opposite.  All the while the woman may or may not expect those involved in the conversation to “get” the undertones and insinuations.  This is again subject to the specific circumstance, and changes like the weather in Colorado.  For those of you not familiar with weather in Colorado, that means: frequently, if not constantly. This makes it extremely difficult for anyone but a woman, who (by sheer genetics) has some hope of understanding this form of communication. In other words, men usually have absolutely no freakin’ clue what the chick is talking about.  And honestly who can blame them?

So, as is human nature - and this part applies to both male and female - we each expect everyone else to communicate like we do. Women not only expect men to understand their complexities, they assume that men also communicate with the same type of complexities (saying one thing but thinking another.)  And men assume that women understand and communicate in a relatively simple manner (saying pretty much what’s on their mind.)  This is where things get crazy.  You have two diametrically opposed communication styles, and no awareness of it by either party.  So, with the basic communication styles defined, I will now give an example of how these two styles interact, in a fucked up sort of way:

Dude:  “Happy Valentines, Honey.” (he gives her a box of chocolates.)
Chick:  “Thank you.  Did you get me flowers?” (translation: “you idiot, you didn’t get me flowers!”)
Dude:  “Ummmm, no.  Should I have gotten you flowers?” (translation: “shit, did I fuck up?”)
Chick:  “No, that’s OK.” (translation: “YOU #@)%&#(% asshole! You should have gotten me flowers!”)
Dude:  “I love you.”  (translation: “whew, I’m glad it’s OK.”)
Chick:  “I love you too.”  (translation:  “you should have known to get me flowers, and you better fucking get me flowers next time, you idiot!”)

Which is why this same exact scenario will play out between them many times thereafter, with the same result: neither one is happy and neither one understands exactly why.

Here is the opposite in effect:

Wife: “Honey, you are looking handsome tonight” (she makes some sort of sexual advance.)
Husband:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”  (translation:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”)
Wife:  “Fine.”  (translation:  “OMG, he’s cheating on me!  He doesn’t find me attractive any more!  I’m getting too fat!  Maybe we should start seeing a counselor!”)
(The husband goes to bed, content that they will have passionate sex tomorrow.  The woman stays up half the night, crying in the dark, thinking her marriage is on the rocks.)

Does any of this sound familiar?  You may not be willing to admit that you too have fallen prey to this type of scenario, but trust me it’s better to just admit it, and move on.  My suggestions?

Ladies, next time you want your man to do something/say something/be something, just freakin’ tell him what you expect, with ample notification to ensure the expected result.  He’s a simple creature.  If he’s with you, then he likely wants to please you, and will do what you ask, especially if he knows it will make you happy.  What’s that?  He should just know what you want?  Bullshit.  He needs your help, and that’s OK.  Why is it that we women have such a hard time asking for what we want? (By the way, this is different than demanding something, which means you do not respect the man - and that’s another topic for another post.)  My guess is that somewhere along the way, we were made to think that our opinions/needs/wants are not important and that it’s an imposition or impolite to request something for ourselves.  So, it’s really a matter of self-respect and self-esteem.  Besides, if your dude doesn’t always get it right, your two options are: 1) tell him what you want and get it (albeit perhaps with a bit of disappointment that you had to tell him), or 2) don’t tell him what you want and be totally pissed off that he didn’t get it!  Bottom line:  Tell him what you want!  And then enjoy it!  The End!  Seriously…..stop thinking about it!

Men, you’re going to have to expend some energy in the communication department.  Trust me, it’s worth it.  Don’t always take what she says at face value, because most likely there’s more to it.  Ask questions.  Clarify.  Ask for examples.  Ask for her opinion.  Listen.  With your ears and your heart.  Pay attention to detail.  Make her feel like she is the only one in the world that matters.  Give her your undivided attention even when you’d rather plop on the couch in front of the TV.  I know, it’s out of your comfort zone, and downright freakin’ annoying sometimes.  So what?  When she is “thanking you” in her own sexy way, you will have your reward (and if she isn’t thankful, then you have worse problems than just communication, dude.)  I’m not saying that the reward should be the only reason for going the extra mile, but let’s just say it’s the icing on the cake.  Not only will you build a deeper connection with her, she will respond to that connection, and reciprocate.  If you don’t believe me, ask any “Cassa Nova”, “Player”, or “Ladies Man.”  I’m not making this shit up, I swear.  It’s actually quite simple…..in a complex kind of way…..lol.

Whew!…..OK, that pontification went a lot longer than I expected.  I guess I’m your typical chick when it comes to communication - the “more is better” approach (as opposed to the “less is more” approach of most men.)  I am sure there are tons of examples where people do not fit into these stereotypes at all.  But I do think there is some validity to my assumptions.  I hope it at least helps you in some way with your own communications.