So, I consider myself to be pretty liberal when it comes to being attracted to different types of guys. I have enjoyed being intimate with a rainbow of men; of various cultures, colors, ages, backgrounds and the like. On a strictly physical standpoint, I think there are examples of good looking guys in every race on the planet, within a fairly large age-bracket, and in varying degrees of height and weight.

And this is the type of thing I was proudly explaining to a friend of mine several years ago. To which he answered – “OK, so if you are so open to dating all types of people, then how about a woman?” And he was not talking about the “one night I kinda hooked up with a girl”, or even the experimental ” lesbian phase”. He was talking about seriously maintaining a loving relationship with a female of our species. Hmmmm. A very good point, I had to admit. And my answer?: “I guess I haven’t met the woman to bring that out in me yet.” (Aside from my crush on k.d. lang, but I haven’t actually met her, so we aren’t able to put that theory to the test!) Of course I thought my answer was a pretty good one at the time, but through the years that question has surfaced in my mind many times. Yes, I am happily married to my soul-mate who just happens to be a man. No, I would not leave him for anyone – man OR woman. But on a purely hypothetical basis, I have asked myself – would I be open enough to consider a serious relationship with a woman?

I would like to say my answer is yes. I mean, love is love, right? I am a firm believer that it’s not what the person looks like, it’s who they are. And if that’s the case then it should apply to anyone at all in the human race, including folks of my own sex. Women. Chicks. Should we not all consider swinging both ways? Playing for both teams? It sure would increase the odds of finding someone, don’t you think? For women, it would be by over 50%, in fact (since women account for just over 50% of the world’s population.)

Of course I think this consideration is much easier to even entertain if you are a woman. I mean, a straight man considering playing for the other team? Yah, right! LMAO! Never. Not in a million years. What’s that? You want to remind me of the “gay for pay” straight guys that have sex with a guy on film for money? OK, maybe it’s a gay guy pretending to be straight, or maybe it really is the very example of what I’m talking about – appreciating a sexy body regardless of sex. But let’s face it, for some reason it is much easier for most folks to enjoy seeing two women together. Certainly straight men have no problem with this. OK, they downright GET OFF on the mere IDEA for goodness-sake (and that is a subject for another post!) But I have to admit that I too would rather see two women together than two men. So why is that? You would think that if straight men enjoyed seeing two women together, then straight women would like to see two men together. And yet, uh……NO! Not my favorite thing. Don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate the concept of two men together. I am a complete and 100% proponent of love/sex/whatever between two men. I think gay marriage should be legal and accepted (also another future post topic.) One of my favorite TV shows of all time is “Queer As Folk”, and I think the guy-on-guy sex scenes were instrumental and absolutely necessary. I absolutely appreciated the love and lust expressed between the characters. But honestly, as a generally straight woman (who is mildly bi-curious…?) I can say with certainty that I would rather see two women together. Any time, any place, in pretty much any and all circumstances. Why? I dunno. I would venture to guess it gets down to a purely physical instinct. Perhaps there is some scientific data/science that backs this up – which I’m sure you could find on the Internet. All I know is what comes naturally to me, and most folks I know.

So, perhaps I should make some sort of conclusion now, following my typical long-winded discourse. And here it is: Two women together? SEXY! Does this mean straight women should try dating other women? I dunno. Is it discrimination if they don’t? I dunno. Two men together? SEXY (mostly to gay men.) Does this mean straight men should try dating other men? Since I’m not a straight man, I don’t feel like I can answer this with any credibility. I’m gonna guess, though, that most straight guys would answer with a resounding “Hell NO!” Is this discrimination? I dunno. And so, the majority of my responses to the questions are?: “I dunno.”

LOL – not sure if my post contained any new/additional/helpful information or answers, but hopefully it got you thinking….That’s the best I can offer right now!

So, I was recently talking with my friend and we were discussing how your sex life changes when you have been with someone for a “long time” (I have purposefully made this term vague because the definition of “long time” is different for everyone, but most of us reach that threshold, that point of no return, eventually.)  Mind you, I am not saying it’s a bad thing, just a different thing.  And for many reasons, which I won’t go into because that’s not what this post is about, we seem to sort of settle into a routine (in general and in relation to sex) when we’re in a long-term relationship.

Since sex is unquestionably one of the most important factors in a relationship, and most folks usually strive to stay in a relationship for as long as possible, I think this is worth a post.  Just as all relationships are unique, so are the ways in which we keep our sex life exciting.  Personally, I’ve been with my hubby for close to 15 years.  Yikes that’s a long time!  Well, in my own subjective view anyway.  And yet I feel fortunate that I can honestly say he still turns me on!  Even though the butterflies in the stomach, the twitterpaited (that’s a Bambi reference, however I’m not sure how to spell it….) feeling is a thing of the past, I can still look at my man and get excited that I’m with him.  We still hold hands, even in public, and are generally affectionate with each other (which will no doubt embarrass our kids when they get older. Heh!)  But I will admit that in the day to day craziness of family life, we are not as focused on that physical contact any more.  And I am sure many folks out there have let pretty much all affection fade into non-existence.

So, how do we keep things fresh?  Let’s explore a few options.  In addition to tapping the well of my own creativity, I have some creative girlfriends, and I’ve been able to learn a few things from them.  One of my friends recently said that even if she’s not exactly in the mood, she rarely turns her husband down.  Wow.  I consider myself to be more horny than most chicks, but I’ll go ahead and admit that my dear husband has gotten a fair share of turn-downs! Hey, we’ve got two kids and I’m freakin’ exhausted at the end of the day, so there.  Of course since my friend has two kids as well, I guess I really can’t use that as an excuse now, can I?  Anyway, I asked her why she operates this way, and she said that it really is a pretty simple thing to do for him, she knows it makes him happy, and who wouldn’t want a happy man around the house?  Huh.  Never thought of it exactly in that way until then, but I had to admit she had a point.  Since then, I have tried to put myself in that mindset.  It’s actually easier than I thought.  Especially because I always end up enjoying it once we’re “in process”, and I usually end up thinking – why don’t we do this more often?  So, I try and keep that end result in mind, when I get that little nudge/look/pinch/grope (Dudes.  They’re nothing if not obvious, right?)

Sometimes, the actress in me comes in handy (I’m not talking about faking it, by the way.)  It’s a little exercise called “sense memory”.  I try and recall when we first started dating and how he used to make me feel just by walking into the room.  Those sexy blue eyes, that glowing surfer tan, and rippling muscles, that “commando” bulge in his Levi’s 501’s…..and I’m there!  I think I feel a little tingle down below even just from typing this!  I remember how we would lick and suck and fuck (OK, sometimes it was make love) all night.  Literally, the sun would be coming up.  My mouth was sore from making out so much – not to mention other parts of my body that were sore!  And the passion!  He was so tender and yet so strong.  He knew exactly what to do and when to do it to make me shiver with pleasure.  And now fast-forward several years (and two kids) later, and there he is.  That same guy.  He still has no problem bringing me pleasure!  He’s been there all along, but I guess sometimes I get so busy I forget to see him.  I mean really see him.  Perhaps it’s obvious and cliche, but I’ve realized a trip down memory lane is definitely good for your sex life!

Sometimes, as we grow older and more mature, we find new things that turn us on.  Another friend of mine recently mentioned that seeing a man doing something around the house that he doesn’t normally do would totally turn her on.  Certainly this is not the kind of thing that would have turned me on in my 20’s, pre-marriage.  That’s not really what I was looking for.  But I have to admit that it has a certain appeal now!  I am fortunate that my husband is actually the neat freak of the family (yes, it’s awesome but it does have it’s down side too….another post perhaps….) but I enjoy watching him mow the lawn, put together a new toy, or wrestle with our kids.  I think most women in my stage in life would agree that there’s something about a strong man engaged in domestic activities that’s downright sexy!  The only caveat about this, is that usually when my guy is doing some domestic duty, it’s not exactly the best time to jump him!  So instead I conjure up these images once we are free to do as we please.  Hopefully I won’t blurt out “oh yeah babe, push that vacuum cleaner!” the next time our bodies are entangled in passionate sex….although since he is the neat freak, perhaps he could roll with it….

So, I have sort of a theory when it comes to how men and women communicate try to communicate.  Although I have never read the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” type books, I suppose this probably would fit into a similar structure.  I don’t have any sort of expert degree, but I have been told I’d be a good therapist, so here goes:

Men.  They communicate in a relatively simple manner.  This assessment is by no means an insult – and in fact IMHO is a compliment.  Generally speaking, a guy thinks something and then he either says it verbatim or doesn’t say anything at all.  There is very little “editing” that goes on between thought and word.  So, for the most part what you hear is what you get.

Women.  They communicate in a relatively complex manner.  This assessment is not completely an insult because there are times where complexity translates into finesse.  However, the editing process in a chick’s brain is something short of a freakin’ three-ring circus. It starts with the first thought process, and it goes through various other processes that take into account all kinds of extraneous factors, including but not limited to the current circumstances, what she thinks the participants want to hear, who is present in the conversation, who is within earshot, who is not present in the conversation, how all those people relate to the woman, and any possible future outcomes that may or may not be associated with said comment. What comes out of the woman’s mouth may therefore not resemble her initial thoughts at all, and in fact may actually be the exact opposite.  All the while the woman may or may not expect those involved in the conversation to “get” the undertones and insinuations.  This is again subject to the specific circumstance, and changes like the weather in Colorado.  For those of you not familiar with weather in Colorado, that means: frequently, if not constantly. This makes it extremely difficult for anyone but a woman, who (by sheer genetics) has some hope of understanding this form of communication. In other words, men usually have absolutely no freakin’ clue what the chick is talking about.  And honestly who can blame them?

So, as is human nature – and this part applies to both male and female – we each expect everyone else to communicate like we do. Women not only expect men to understand their complexities, they assume that men also communicate with the same type of complexities (saying one thing but thinking another.)  And men assume that women understand and communicate in a relatively simple manner (saying pretty much what’s on their mind.)  This is where things get crazy.  You have two diametrically opposed communication styles, and no awareness of it by either party.  So, with the basic communication styles defined, I will now give an example of how these two styles interact, in a fucked up sort of way:

Dude:  “Happy Valentines, Honey.” (he gives her a box of chocolates.)
Chick:  “Thank you.  Did you get me flowers?” (translation: “you idiot, you didn’t get me flowers!”)
Dude:  “Ummmm, no.  Should I have gotten you flowers?” (translation: “shit, did I fuck up?”)
Chick:  “No, that’s OK.” (translation: “YOU #@)%&#(% asshole! You should have gotten me flowers!”)
Dude:  “I love you.”  (translation: “whew, I’m glad it’s OK.”)
Chick:  “I love you too.”  (translation:  “you should have known to get me flowers, and you better fucking get me flowers next time, you idiot!”)

Which is why this same exact scenario will play out between them many times thereafter, with the same result: neither one is happy and neither one understands exactly why.

Here is the opposite in effect:

Wife: “Honey, you are looking handsome tonight” (she makes some sort of sexual advance.)
Husband:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”  (translation:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”)
Wife:  “Fine.”  (translation:  “OMG, he’s cheating on me!  He doesn’t find me attractive any more!  I’m getting too fat!  Maybe we should start seeing a counselor!”)
(The husband goes to bed, content that they will have passionate sex tomorrow.  The woman stays up half the night, crying in the dark, thinking her marriage is on the rocks.)

Does any of this sound familiar?  You may not be willing to admit that you too have fallen prey to this type of scenario, but trust me it’s better to just admit it, and move on.  My suggestions?

Ladies, next time you want your man to do something/say something/be something, just freakin’ tell him what you expect, with ample notification to ensure the expected result.  He’s a simple creature.  If he’s with you, then he likely wants to please you, and will do what you ask, especially if he knows it will make you happy.  What’s that?  He should just know what you want?  Bullshit.  He needs your help, and that’s OK.  Why is it that we women have such a hard time asking for what we want? (By the way, this is different than demanding something, which means you do not respect the man – and that’s another topic for another post.)  My guess is that somewhere along the way, we were made to think that our opinions/needs/wants are not important and that it’s an imposition or impolite to request something for ourselves.  So, it’s really a matter of self-respect and self-esteem.  Besides, if your dude doesn’t always get it right, your two options are: 1) tell him what you want and get it (albeit perhaps with a bit of disappointment that you had to tell him), or 2) don’t tell him what you want and be totally pissed off that he didn’t get it!  Bottom line:  Tell him what you want!  And then enjoy it!  The End!  Seriously…..stop thinking about it!

Men, you’re going to have to expend some energy in the communication department.  Trust me, it’s worth it.  Don’t always take what she says at face value, because most likely there’s more to it.  Ask questions.  Clarify.  Ask for examples.  Ask for her opinion.  Listen.  With your ears and your heart.  Pay attention to detail.  Make her feel like she is the only one in the world that matters.  Give her your undivided attention even when you’d rather plop on the couch in front of the TV.  I know, it’s out of your comfort zone, and downright freakin’ annoying sometimes.  So what?  When she is “thanking you” in her own sexy way, you will have your reward (and if she isn’t thankful, then you have worse problems than just communication, dude.)  I’m not saying that the reward should be the only reason for going the extra mile, but let’s just say it’s the icing on the cake.  Not only will you build a deeper connection with her, she will respond to that connection, and reciprocate.  If you don’t believe me, ask any “Cassa Nova”, “Player”, or “Ladies Man.”  I’m not making this shit up, I swear.  It’s actually quite simple…..in a complex kind of way…..lol.

Whew!…..OK, that pontification went a lot longer than I expected.  I guess I’m your typical chick when it comes to communication – the “more is better” approach (as opposed to the “less is more” approach of most men.)  I am sure there are tons of examples where people do not fit into these stereotypes at all.  But I do think there is some validity to my assumptions.  I hope it at least helps you in some way with your own communications.

No seriously.  Cuz I don’t think there is!  I mean, guys have all kinds of cool (or at least decent) names associated with their penis:  cock, sword, willy, dick, trouser snake, one-eyed wonder, shlong, wang, dong, and any number of personal names which may or may not start with “Mr.” or end in “Junior”.  And I realize I’ve just scratched the surface.  No doubt you have already thought of at least one name I did not include.  In fact, naming the penis seems to be a pretty common activity.  But when’s the last time you’ve heard about someone naming a vagina?  And the sad thing is, I think the vagina is in much more need of a new name or two!  Why is it that the existing words associated with vagina are generally derogatory (cunt, gash, hole…need I go on? UGH!) Is the best we can come up with: Va-Jay-Jay?….lol.  I mean, c’mon ladies! Will there ever be the same emphasis, the same narcissistic, egotistical obsession with naming the vagina?  I’m guessing probably not, and I say this because: a) it seems to be mostly men naming their own member and b) they seem to be much more obsessed with it than we are of our own.  Perhaps it’s a compliment to women – while men are spending their time coming up with names, and worrying about size, I think women are much more focused on the orgasm than the vagina, it’s size, shape or any other factor thereof.  And really when you think about it – if you’re gettin’ yours, then who the hell cares about anything else? At least that’s my philosophy.  So, yes I have a “vagina”, and though it may be nameless other than that, it brings me pleasure, and in my opinion that is what truly matters! : )