Or perhaps all of the above. Yep. I feel like every other day I find out a friend or acquaintance is having a first-hand experience with one, two or even all three of these. What the HELL?! Maybe it’s my *ahem* age-bracket. I guess when you reach your 30’s and 40’s the probabilities of divorce start kicking in harder. But it’s just amazing to me how many people I know are having (or had) difficulties in their marriages.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that there are a few “themes” that are common:

1. The husband and wife barely, if at all, have sex any more
2. The husband has no interest in talking about problems or going to therapy
3. The wife is somewhat – or completely - surprised when things finally crumble

So, WTF?! I’m sure a therapist would be able to shed some light, but I don’t happen to be one. Still, I don’t like to just complain about something without at least looking at the possible WHY’s, so that we can perhaps try to avoid these problems, or at least some of them. So, here’s my take on the why’s of my three common themes:

1. Why do the husband and wife stop having sex? Oh wait - lest you are thinking this is not a major issue, I say to you ”au contraire, filet minon!” Sexual issues are one of the top reasons why people get divorced. So, yes sex IS important, and it’s important to discuss why it dwindles in a marriage. OK, now that that’s settled…In most cases I think that both parties are to blame. As a mother I can tell you that with all the kid and house stuff I do, sometimes it’s just not a priority. Not to mention that Mommy’s body after having babies isn’t quite what it used to be – which can make her self conscious. These, and many others, are some reasons women become less interested in hanky panky. But they are only reasons; they are not really excuses (in my book, excuses imply that you are excused from the behavior and it’s OK.) It’s not OK. Your sex life SHOULD be a priority – no excuses. So, figure out a way to make it a priority. By the way, I mentioned that there are other excuses for not having sex, which I’ve already addressed previously, so feel free to check them out in that post. Now, the men. Sometimes the reason your wife isn’t in the mood these days may be that you forget to keep a little bit of romance alive. I know it’s cliche, but it’s true – and it’s a simple fix. For example, walking up to her in the kitchen when she’s elbows-deep in dirty dishes and dry humping her from behind is probably not going to get you the result you’re looking for. Yeah I know, right?! Instead, kiss her gently on the cheek and tell her how beautiful you think she is. Or here’s a novel idea: offer to help her with the dishes. It may not seem like a romantic move, but trust me, your woman will be in a much more agreeable mood after a nice move like that. Now, I know it should not always fall on the man to be romantic, but if you make an effort once in a while, you will reap the benefits. It’s not so much about making a big production, or spending a lot of money (or at least it shouldn’t be – ladies!), but even just little things like a romantic note left on her bathroom counter, or a compliment when she’s looking sexy, making dinner for her once in a while. That kind of stuff, you know? And women like to know that they still turn your head (Not THAT head. Well, maybe that head. But only after the one that’s on your shoulders.) I know it’s been several years and your flirt game may be a bit rusty, but put it back into action and keep it in action and it will never again become rusty. And hey guess what? You’ll probably get laid more often. Duh! OK, so I know there are plenty of other reasons why the sex goes away, and these things are usually based on much deeper issues about intimacy and love, but if you at least put in some effort in the sex department, you might be surprised at how this can work in reverse, and can improve your intimacy.

2. Why does the husband have no interest in talking about problems or going to therapy? OK, that’s a relatively easy one, in my opinion. Most dudes don’t like to talk much, let alone about their feelings! They barely talk about stupid shit (although they DO a lot of stupid things sometimes!) But getting them to talk? Uh, no. Not to their buddies. Not to their co-workers. Not to their family. Not even to YOU. I know – shocking! And they tune YOU out when you start talking too much. So, if a guy isn’t gonna open up to you even when you have a moment alone, then a guy going to a therapist where he HAS to talk and he HAS to listen, is pretty much the last thing in the world he will choose. It’s worse than being dragged to some “lame” fund raiser-luncheon-tea thing during an important sports event;  it’s worse than being passed over for a promotion; it’s worse than having to eat quiche – or something like that. Anyway, it is in the fiber of most guys’ inner core to loath that kind of stuff. And here’s where I will take a detour from my “what to do to help the situation” and say that choosing the right guy to begin with can make a difference here. If you have married the stereotypical sports loving, dirty clothes wearing, meat on a bone eating, grunting, farting, beer guzzling dude – don’t expect him to all of a sudden get an epiphany and decide he’d LOVE to share his feelings with you and some total stranger/therapist. Not gonna happen. At least not easily. But if it’s important to you, then that’s the angle you need to use with him. Tell him that you want your marriage to be healthy, including your sex life (a little motivation never hurts), and it is important to you to talk about things and/or see a therapist. Again, these things are not easily fixed, but if you make an effort it may make the difference.

3. Why is the wife somewhat – or completely - surprised when things finally crumble? I think there are several possible reasons. Perhaps the husband is an amazingly talented actor/liar/cheater. Or perhaps the wife is so busy she really hasn’t been paying close attention until it’s too late. Perhaps also, she sort of knows on some deeper level but just doesn’t want to deal with it at the moment – or really ever. She hopes that the current lull will just get better on it’s own. Or at least just stay the same and she and her husband can just go on with their individual responsibilities and not talk about the fact that they haven’t had a real conversation in months. That they haven’t had sex in months. That they might as well just be roommates.  But whatever the reason ladies, you need to remind yourself of something. You have an intuition. An intuition that works very well when you tune in to it. You may not like what it says, but if you’re not completely honest with yourself then don’t be surprised when he isn’t honest with you either. Certainly it’s not right for your man to lie to you, cheat on you, leave you without notice (in fact, if you trust your intuition, you may find you have the upper hand.) But you don’t have control over him (many of you think that you do, but that’s a false sense of security, honeys). However, you DO have control over yourself, so act accordingly. If you have a funny feeling that things are not right with you and your husband – do not ignore it! Confront your husband – calmly and rationally (although your urge may be to rip his fuckin’ head off….trust me, it may be cathertic, but it’s not constructive!) The road will be difficult either way but by addressing the problems you have early on, you may just help save your marriage. Or it will at least bring you to a quicker resolution, even if it ends in divorce.

Well, as per my usual modus operandi I have written a novela. But I sincerely hope that if any of you out there are struggling, or have a friend who is struggling, in a relationship/marriage – please don’t just let it continue without making every effort to do something, anything, about it. Please get help now!

I’m going to quote my Mom now (yep, I think it’s the first time ever in two years on my blog – sorry it’s taken so long Mom!) It may be cliche, but here it is: “A relationship is like a garden.” It can flourish and be beautiful, and continue to improve over time. But it will take a lot of work. A lot of daily work. The kind of hard work that requires kneeling in dirt, bent over, pulling weeds, digging, planting and watering. In addition to constant maintenance, it will require a plan – where to plant things, when to pull something that’s not doing well and replace it with something more appropriate, how and where to expand, and where to leave spaces so you can enjoy every foot of your labor of love. It may be cheesy but I really do think a garden is an excellent analogy. And trust me, folks, I’m not even a gardening type. In fact, I’d rather go to the dentist than work in a garden. Fortunately, I am much more agreeable to working in my marriage garden, and so is my husband (hence my advice on finding a guy who is OK with communication)! And we have the fruits of our labor to show for it – a gorgeous, flourishing, ever expanding (though not without the need to pull weeds every once in a while!) TRUE LOVE.

Yep, it’s simplistic. It’s trite. And most certainly amateur (hey, I gave you the disclaimer that I’m not a therapist). But I think 12 years of a strong marriage (17 years total together) has earned me the right!

My friend and I were having a discussion today about soul-mates.  Do they exist?  How do you know?  Should we “hold out” until we’ve found ours?  What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soul-mate?  These are all difficult questions, and as I’ve said before I’m not an expert, but I figure I’ll take a stab at these and give ya my opinion.  And it’s just that – an opinion.  No doubt you have your own, and I’d love to hear it too!:

Do “soul-mates” exist?  Yes.  This may sound and feel like salt in the wounds to those who haven’t found theirs, but I am basing this on my own experience.  There is no question in my mind that my husband and I are soul-mates.  Not only do we each realize we have something amazing, but our friends and family – those who know us best – would agree.  This doesn’t mean we don’t have issues and frustrations with each other, like every other couple.  This is normal.  In fact I think if you don’t piss each other off from time to time, you don’t have the passion to be soul-mates.  It’s a difficult balance, and one I have a hard time explaining.  Which brings me to the next question….

How do you know?  Instead of the “I just know” answer, I will try and describe as best I can.  It starts with each of us as individuals.  Both of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to “let go” and love unabashedly.  This takes an amount of humility – and at the same time self-esteem - that not everyone is ready for.  But it’s those two things that allowed us to recognize the “soul-mate” potential in each other.  Conversely, both of us had also come to realize that we deserved to be treated with respect, and would not put up with anything less.  Balance.  Another aspect is that we connect on many levels.  We are best friends, lovers, room-mates, and study-partners (what class, you ask?  LIFE.)  In short, we are everything to each other.  However, this doesn’t mean we NEED each other, to the exclusivity of others.  We recognize the importance of close relationships with others (friends and family), and aren’t threatened by them.  Balance.  Here’s another aspect:  Know Thyself.  Simple to say, not so simple to do.  But if you are not willing to dig deep into the depths of your thoughts, fears, pain, and “baggage” to truly see yourself for who you are, you will never have a chance to see someone else for who they are.  Balance.  I’ll share one last aspect.  It’s actually something I learned in (of all places!) a Marriage and Family Relations class in college:  Identify your needs vs. your wants.  We all have needs and wants regarding a partner.  But few of us take the time to clearly define them – to ourselves, let alone our partner.  As a class project I had to make a “needs” list (each item HAD to a “deal-breaker” – if the criteria wasn’t met, that partner was not “the one”.)  And we had to make a “wants” list (these items are things that would be nice, however it would be OK if our partner didn’t meet every single one.)  For instance, on my needs list I had things like:  honest, ethical, inner-strength, wants to have children, is never abusive, has a sense of humor, doesn’t smoke, is a spiritual person, etc.  On my wants list I had things like:  loves to travel, is a good dancer, is physically “my type”.  My husband possesses every single thing on my needs list.  He possesses quite a few of the things on my wants list.  The things on my wants that he doesn’t possess?  I let those go – not important.  Even a soul-mate can not be ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES.  Do not attempt to look for that fairytale prince, that knight in shining armor.  Those characters only exist in books and stories.  Accept that your partner is human, and is not great at everything, and will make mistakes.  Many mistakes.  So will you.  Balance.

So by now you have noticed a theme: balance.  Not to get all yin-yang-y on you, but my opinion is that balance in all things is a great indication that you have found your soul-mate.  I could give you tons more examples (the importance of compromise in a relationship, the realization that although some things may come easy to soul-mates it is still very hard work!, the fact that you can have an “opposites attract” relationship as long as the opposites represent things on your wants list, not your needs list, and the necessity to bring out the best in each other….to name a few.)  You will also notice two missing subjects:  sex and money.  These are the two top reasons for divorce.  So why did I not include them?  Because we are talking about soul-mates, not marriage.  And in my opinion sex and money compatibility can be successful in a marriage, even if the partners are not soul-mates.  And if you are soul-mates, sex and money issues are just two of the many “balancing acts” that are part of the relationship.  So, I’m back at that concept of balance, and I will conclude my long-winded answer with the one word that could have answered the question (do you still remember the question?  LOL)  How do you know you are soul-mates?  Balance.

 Should we “hold out” until we’ve found our soul-mate?  Yes.  And no.  I think the answer is up to each individual.  Contrary to common thought, I don’t think being with a soul-mate is a necessity.  Being in a happy marriage can be enough fulfillment for many folks.  And that’s totally OK in my opinion.  On the other hand, if you believe that you will only be happy in a marriage/long-term relationship with a soul-mate, then it might be worth it for you to spend the extra effort and time to try and track that partner down.  I think this falls into the “needs” vs. “wants” category – if you feel you don’t NEED a soul-mate, then you will probably be perfectly happy in a loving marriage with a non-soul-mate.  Either way, the answer to this question lies with each individual.

What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  My short answer is: then that person is not a true soul-mate.  To me, the only way you can have a soul-mate is if it’s mutual.  The definition is right there in the word: mate.  The word mate implies a partnership, requiring the involvement of two people.  One can not be  properly defined without the other.  I don’t care how deeply you love someone, how perfect you think you are together.  Your partner may even love you.  But as I said before, love (and marriage) do not equal soul-mates.

Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soulmate?  I think I pretty much answered this one in the section on “holding out” for your soulmate.  In a nutshell, my opinion is yes.

Well, this has proved to be one of my longer posts, but then I guess the subject matter is usually what drives the complexity of my opinions and therefore the length of my posts!  This subject is as complex as they come.  And as usual, I’ll say that I probably left out a bunch of stuff, and have barely scratched the surface of this issue.  But hopefully this is helpful to someone, somewhere!