My friend and I were having a discussion today about soul-mates. Do they exist? How do you know? Should we “hold out” until we’ve found ours? What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate? Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soul-mate? These are all difficult questions, and as I’ve said before I’m not an expert, but I figure I’ll take a stab at these and give ya my opinion. And it’s just that - an opinion. No doubt you have your own, and I’d love to hear it too!:
Do “soul-mates” exist? Yes. This may sound and feel like salt in the wounds to those who haven’t found theirs, but I am basing this on my own experience. There is no question in my mind that my husband and I are soul-mates. Not only do we each realize we have something amazing, but our friends and family - those who know us best - would agree. This doesn’t mean we don’t have issues and frustrations with each other, like every other couple. This is normal. In fact I think if you don’t piss each other off from time to time, you don’t have the passion to be soul-mates. It’s a difficult balance, and one I have a hard time explaining. Which brings me to the next question….
How do you know? Instead of the “I just know” answer, I will try and describe as best I can. It starts with each of us as individuals. Both of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to “let go” and love unabashedly. This takes an amount of humility - and at the same time self-esteem - that not everyone is ready for. But it’s those two things that allowed us to recognize the “soul-mate” potential in each other. Conversely, both of us had also come to realize that we deserved to be treated with respect, and would not put up with anything less. Balance. Another aspect is that we connect on many levels. We are best friends, lovers, room-mates, and study-partners (what class, you ask? LIFE.) In short, we are everything to each other. However, this doesn’t mean we NEED each other, to the exclusivity of others. We recognize the importance of close relationships with others (friends and family), and aren’t threatened by them. Balance. Here’s another aspect: Know Thyself. Simple to say, not so simple to do. But if you are not willing to dig deep into the depths of your thoughts, fears, pain, and “baggage” to truly see yourself for who you are, you will never have a chance to see someone else for who they are. Balance. I’ll share one last aspect. It’s actually something I learned in (of all places!) a Marriage and Family Relations class in college: Identify your needs vs. your wants. We all have needs and wants regarding a partner. But few of us take the time to clearly define them - to ourselves, let alone our partner. As a class project I had to make a “needs” list (each item HAD to a “deal-breaker” - if the criteria wasn’t met, that partner was not “the one”.) And we had to make a “wants” list (these items are things that would be nice, however it would be OK if our partner didn’t meet every single one.) For instance, on my needs list I had things like: honest, ethical, inner-strength, wants to have children, is never abusive, has a sense of humor, doesn’t smoke, is a spiritual person, etc. On my wants list I had things like: loves to travel, is a good dancer, is physically “my type”. My husband possesses every single thing on my needs list. He possesses quite a few of the things on my wants list. The things on my wants that he doesn’t possess? I let those go - not important. Even a soul-mate can not be ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES. Do not attempt to look for that fairytale prince, that knight in shining armor. Those characters only exist in books and stories. Accept that your partner is human, and is not great at everything, and will make mistakes. Many mistakes. So will you. Balance.
So by now you have noticed a theme: balance. Not to get all yin-yang-y on you, but my opinion is that balance in all things is a great indication that you have found your soul-mate. I could give you tons more examples (the importance of compromise in a relationship, the realization that although some things may come easy to soul-mates it is still very hard work!, the fact that you can have an “opposites attract” relationship as long as the opposites represent things on your wants list, not your needs list, and the necessity to bring out the best in each other….to name a few.) You will also notice two missing subjects: sex and money. These are the two top reasons for divorce. So why did I not include them? Because we are talking about soul-mates, not marriage. And in my opinion sex and money compatibility can be successful in a marriage, even if the partners are not soul-mates. And if you are soul-mates, sex and money issues are just two of the many “balancing acts” that are part of the relationship. So, I’m back at that concept of balance, and I will conclude my long-winded answer with the one word that could have answered the question (do you still remember the question? LOL) How do you know you are soul-mates? Balance.
Should we “hold out” until we’ve found our soul-mate? Yes. And no. I think the answer is up to each individual. Contrary to common thought, I don’t think being with a soul-mate is a necessity. Being in a happy marriage can be enough fulfillment for many folks. And that’s totally OK in my opinion. On the other hand, if you believe that you will only be happy in a marriage/long-term relationship with a soul-mate, then it might be worth it for you to spend the extra effort and time to try and track that partner down. I think this falls into the “needs” vs. “wants” category - if you feel you don’t NEED a soul-mate, then you will probably be perfectly happy in a loving marriage with a non-soul-mate. Either way, the answer to this question lies with each individual.
What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate? My short answer is: then that person is not a true soul-mate. To me, the only way you can have a soul-mate is if it’s mutual. The definition is right there in the word: mate. The word mate implies a partnership, requiring the involvement of two people. One can not be properly defined without the other. I don’t care how deeply you love someone, how perfect you think you are together. Your partner may even love you. But as I said before, love (and marriage) do not equal soul-mates.
Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soulmate? I think I pretty much answered this one in the section on “holding out” for your soulmate. In a nutshell, my opinion is yes.
Well, this has proved to be one of my longer posts, but then I guess the subject matter is usually what drives the complexity of my opinions and therefore the length of my posts! This subject is as complex as they come. And as usual, I’ll say that I probably left out a bunch of stuff, and have barely scratched the surface of this issue. But hopefully this is helpful to someone, somewhere!
