Yes, that’s what I said – you can learn from porn (and when I say “you”, I’m refering to those of you out there who are heterosexual women – or at the very least, someone who likes or wants to like sex with a man.) And the porn I’m talking about isn’t an adult “instructional” video (although some of them are pretty cool.) I’m talking about your garden-variety, made for the heterosexual male audience, adult movies. Sure they can be cheesy and crass, and many are borderline or downright degrading to women. But hidden within the typical porn scene, there are some nuggets of information that can improve your sex life (and your partner’s too.)

First, let’s go over some of the things you will NOT learn from porn (though I suspect most of you already know this…) You will not learn how to love, or be in a loving relationship (sex is only PART of the picture). You will not learn how to be a porn star (there’s a lot more to it than what you see in a porn scene.) And you will definitely not learn how to balance the sexual aspect of your life with all the other aspects, mearly from watching porn.

 Now that we’ve defined our expectations, here’s what you CAN learn from porn:

1. What kind of sex does a man like? Do you think you already know this? Think again. Watch some porn – you might be surprised. And yet, it’s actually pretty logical. Most porn out there is created and marketed with the male audience in mind (one of my pet peeves, for sure, but that’s another topic for another post!) And ladies, those men out there are buying and watching it in droves (yes, probably YOUR man, whether you know it or not.) Sex, and particularly masturbation, is one of the most honest actions out there because you can not make yourself get off on something that doesn’t get you off. With a partner, you may be able to “fake” it, but you’ll never be able to truly get off unless you are doing or watching something that really turns you on. My point is, the porn that’s popular is popular because that’s what gets men off – even if they choose not to admit it to you.

2. I’ve seen what kind of sex the typical man likes, but now what? So, I’ve watched some porn and seen what’s popular. So what? How does that apply to me? I’m not a porn star. I can’t/won’t do what they do! Can I? Well, here’s my philosophy. If you are in a loving relationship, or if you at least are motivated to please your man, then why wouldn’t you want to give him what he wants? (Of course, the caveat here is that you have EVERY right to ask him to give you what you want in return, but again that’s another post for another time.) I don’t know why it is that this concept is so difficult for many women, but it’s where I part company with them. Most likely you’ve got this concept down in other aspects of your life – you cook him what he likes. You give him gifts you know he likes. So, why should sex be different? Give him what he likes. That may not sound very “feminist”, but hear me out. Certainly there are boundaries. If you are truly not comfortable with something then absolutely don’t do it. No one should ever force you to do something against your will. But if you are just holding out because you find something ”icky”, or because you are too lazy to learn or try something new, or perhaps you like playing games by witholding what he likes, then it’s time for a reality check. There’s give and take with everything in a relationship, and sex is no different. Just because it doesn’t turn YOU on, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. And just because you act like a porn star doesn’t mean you ARE one. It’s OK to enjoy sex. It’s OK to enjoy pleasing your man. It is not wrong, evil, and it doesn’t have to be degrading. Do your man a favor! Do yourself a favor! Pick one move that you saw in a porn scene, and just try it the next time you’re with your man. Men are simple creatures. Something as simple as spitting on their dick while giving them a blowjob will probably send them over the edge! Even if that particular move doesn’t seem to do much, he will appreciate your effort. Either way, go back and pick another one. And another one until you have a nice bag of tricks. You think I’m full of shit? Try it – and then come back here and post a comment. I’ll approve all comments, positive or negative, as long as they are true feedback about this topic.

 3. Enjoy pleasing your man! OK, like I said you don’t have to get off to it yourself, but just look at how much fun your guy is having. I don’t know about you, but turning my man on turns me on. Seeing that look on his face when I rock his world gets me closer to my own nirvana. And over the years I’ve actually become more and more “into it”. I like playing the sexy slut (yes, I said slut) who’s only for his eyes and his enjoyment! Perhaps that’s why we still rock the bedroom even though we’ve been having sex with each other for over a decade.

 So, in conclusion, I recommend at least a small dose of porn on a regular basis. These days, it’s super easy to watch porn in the privacy of your own home, when it’s convenient for you. Perhaps I’ll do a follow-up post with more information on finding good porn online. In the meantime, check out my links list to the right – it’s all stuff I enjoy. I hope you do too!

This is my first attempt at erotica….and it’s dedicated to all those couples out there who have been together long enough for sex to be boring – and yet choose to make it exciting!…

It had been a week since she’d seen him. She had been distracted and displaced by a week-long trip with the kids to visit family. He had to stay home and work. In the whirlwind that is coming home, with suitcases, stuffed animals, and half-empty juice boxes, she barely had time to give the father of her children a hug and kiss. Which is why she didn’t notice that look. She didn’t know what he had planned. I mean, she KNEW what he had planned – for goodnessake she had plans of her own! Even a married mom of two has needs and desires. But she was expecting the usual. Which in his defense; in THEIR defense, was not bad – and in fact it had always been a happy ending for both of them! But her husband, her soul-mate, her lover extraordinaire had been known from time to time to kick it up a notch (sorry, Emeril, no doubt that’s not exactly what you had in mind for your signature phrase!) And so, it is no surprise that when the kids’ bedtime approached, their father was uncharacteristically involved in making sure they were P.J.’d, tooth-brushed, and tucked sweetly (and efficiently) into bed. Before she had time to consider her next move, she was being not-so-nonchalantly led to their bedroom. And before the door was partially open, she noticed the flicker that can only come from candlelight. Once completely inside, with the door closed (and locked – hey, no need to scar the kids for life!), only then did she notice the transformation of their bedroom. The entire room was peppered with candles flickering and beckoning her to succumb to their romance. “Passion” by Peter Gabriel was playing on the iPod player. While she was taking in the scene, her man handed her a glass of champagne. “Dang, he must have really missed me!” Which worked out great since she missed him too. It wasn’t long before the champagne glasses were put down, and they found themselves making out on their bed. It’s the kind of making out where you KNOW the outcome. You KNOW you’re gonna get naked. You KNOW you’re gonna do it. There’s no question. There’s no discussion. There’s only the taking off of clothes. He kissed her passionately, and though he’d kissed her that way a thousand times, he still managed to make her feel like they were new in their relationship. Like they were still learning their rhythms, their timing, still discovering each other’s power. With their naked bodies pressed together, he slowly moved lower…..and lower…..and lower. Past her neck, with a momentary focus on her breasts, and then slowly down her quivering stomach, he reached….downtown. By this time she was throbbing down there, and couldn’t wait to feel his soft lips and tongue. He heartily obliged, with the expertise of someone who had been doing this long enough to know EXACTLY what sends her through the roof. And after providing unending moments of pleasure, he began to move his lips back up her stomach. But before she can moan any form of complaint, his hard cock moved in to place, and began to pleasure her in ways that lips and toungue cannot. And after providing unending moments of pleasure, he slowly and carefully removed it, and his lips began the descent again. And so it went for quite some time: a tag-team of toungue and cock; oral and fucking; clit and penetration. And with each switch, it sent her further and further to the edge. In her heightened state of pleasure she couldn’t decide when she’d rather let herself go. Should she wait until his tongue is firmly pressed on her clit? Or perhaps while his hard cock is deep inside her? Either one would provide the exact release she’d been craving for far too long now. She finally realized she could hold out no longer, while he happened to have his head buried between her legs. She moaned – or mumbled – some sort of (for lack of a better word?) warning. With both hands grasping the hair on his head, she felt the waves of ecstasy wash over her again and again….and again! Once he saw that she was basking in the beauty of it all, it didn’t take him long to insert his cock and reach his own ecstasy, all the while she was still pressing his hips firmly into hers. After they both settle down, he rolls off of her and onto his back next to her. They both stare at the ceiling and verbally pat themselves on their backs for still “having it” after all these years…

So, I consider myself to be pretty liberal when it comes to being attracted to different types of guys. I have enjoyed being intimate with a rainbow of men; of various cultures, colors, ages, backgrounds and the like. On a strictly physical standpoint, I think there are examples of good looking guys in every race on the planet, within a fairly large age-bracket, and in varying degrees of height and weight.

And this is the type of thing I was proudly explaining to a friend of mine several years ago. To which he answered – “OK, so if you are so open to dating all types of people, then how about a woman?” And he was not talking about the “one night I kinda hooked up with a girl”, or even the experimental ” lesbian phase”. He was talking about seriously maintaining a loving relationship with a female of our species. Hmmmm. A very good point, I had to admit. And my answer?: “I guess I haven’t met the woman to bring that out in me yet.” (Aside from my crush on k.d. lang, but I haven’t actually met her, so we aren’t able to put that theory to the test!) Of course I thought my answer was a pretty good one at the time, but through the years that question has surfaced in my mind many times. Yes, I am happily married to my soul-mate who just happens to be a man. No, I would not leave him for anyone – man OR woman. But on a purely hypothetical basis, I have asked myself – would I be open enough to consider a serious relationship with a woman?

I would like to say my answer is yes. I mean, love is love, right? I am a firm believer that it’s not what the person looks like, it’s who they are. And if that’s the case then it should apply to anyone at all in the human race, including folks of my own sex. Women. Chicks. Should we not all consider swinging both ways? Playing for both teams? It sure would increase the odds of finding someone, don’t you think? For women, it would be by over 50%, in fact (since women account for just over 50% of the world’s population.)

Of course I think this consideration is much easier to even entertain if you are a woman. I mean, a straight man considering playing for the other team? Yah, right! LMAO! Never. Not in a million years. What’s that? You want to remind me of the “gay for pay” straight guys that have sex with a guy on film for money? OK, maybe it’s a gay guy pretending to be straight, or maybe it really is the very example of what I’m talking about – appreciating a sexy body regardless of sex. But let’s face it, for some reason it is much easier for most folks to enjoy seeing two women together. Certainly straight men have no problem with this. OK, they downright GET OFF on the mere IDEA for goodness-sake (and that is a subject for another post!) But I have to admit that I too would rather see two women together than two men. So why is that? You would think that if straight men enjoyed seeing two women together, then straight women would like to see two men together. And yet, uh……NO! Not my favorite thing. Don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate the concept of two men together. I am a complete and 100% proponent of love/sex/whatever between two men. I think gay marriage should be legal and accepted (also another future post topic.) One of my favorite TV shows of all time is “Queer As Folk”, and I think the guy-on-guy sex scenes were instrumental and absolutely necessary. I absolutely appreciated the love and lust expressed between the characters. But honestly, as a generally straight woman (who is mildly bi-curious…?) I can say with certainty that I would rather see two women together. Any time, any place, in pretty much any and all circumstances. Why? I dunno. I would venture to guess it gets down to a purely physical instinct. Perhaps there is some scientific data/science that backs this up – which I’m sure you could find on the Internet. All I know is what comes naturally to me, and most folks I know.

So, perhaps I should make some sort of conclusion now, following my typical long-winded discourse. And here it is: Two women together? SEXY! Does this mean straight women should try dating other women? I dunno. Is it discrimination if they don’t? I dunno. Two men together? SEXY (mostly to gay men.) Does this mean straight men should try dating other men? Since I’m not a straight man, I don’t feel like I can answer this with any credibility. I’m gonna guess, though, that most straight guys would answer with a resounding “Hell NO!” Is this discrimination? I dunno. And so, the majority of my responses to the questions are?: “I dunno.”

LOL – not sure if my post contained any new/additional/helpful information or answers, but hopefully it got you thinking….That’s the best I can offer right now!

I’m just dropping in to recommend this kick-ass website, Stockroom.com.  For the curious, the novice, or the advanced, this website is the cream of the crop (where you can get both a crop and some cream!)  As I’ve mentioned before, I have always been fascinated with the whole dominatrix type stuff, and this website is the answer to my dreams!  I will most definitely be getting some stuff from them, and reviewing it in the near future.  In the meantime, check them out - and feel free to post a comment about what you think….

My friend and I were having a discussion today about soul-mates.  Do they exist?  How do you know?  Should we “hold out” until we’ve found ours?  What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soul-mate?  These are all difficult questions, and as I’ve said before I’m not an expert, but I figure I’ll take a stab at these and give ya my opinion.  And it’s just that – an opinion.  No doubt you have your own, and I’d love to hear it too!:

Do “soul-mates” exist?  Yes.  This may sound and feel like salt in the wounds to those who haven’t found theirs, but I am basing this on my own experience.  There is no question in my mind that my husband and I are soul-mates.  Not only do we each realize we have something amazing, but our friends and family – those who know us best – would agree.  This doesn’t mean we don’t have issues and frustrations with each other, like every other couple.  This is normal.  In fact I think if you don’t piss each other off from time to time, you don’t have the passion to be soul-mates.  It’s a difficult balance, and one I have a hard time explaining.  Which brings me to the next question….

How do you know?  Instead of the “I just know” answer, I will try and describe as best I can.  It starts with each of us as individuals.  Both of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to “let go” and love unabashedly.  This takes an amount of humility – and at the same time self-esteem - that not everyone is ready for.  But it’s those two things that allowed us to recognize the “soul-mate” potential in each other.  Conversely, both of us had also come to realize that we deserved to be treated with respect, and would not put up with anything less.  Balance.  Another aspect is that we connect on many levels.  We are best friends, lovers, room-mates, and study-partners (what class, you ask?  LIFE.)  In short, we are everything to each other.  However, this doesn’t mean we NEED each other, to the exclusivity of others.  We recognize the importance of close relationships with others (friends and family), and aren’t threatened by them.  Balance.  Here’s another aspect:  Know Thyself.  Simple to say, not so simple to do.  But if you are not willing to dig deep into the depths of your thoughts, fears, pain, and “baggage” to truly see yourself for who you are, you will never have a chance to see someone else for who they are.  Balance.  I’ll share one last aspect.  It’s actually something I learned in (of all places!) a Marriage and Family Relations class in college:  Identify your needs vs. your wants.  We all have needs and wants regarding a partner.  But few of us take the time to clearly define them – to ourselves, let alone our partner.  As a class project I had to make a “needs” list (each item HAD to a “deal-breaker” – if the criteria wasn’t met, that partner was not “the one”.)  And we had to make a “wants” list (these items are things that would be nice, however it would be OK if our partner didn’t meet every single one.)  For instance, on my needs list I had things like:  honest, ethical, inner-strength, wants to have children, is never abusive, has a sense of humor, doesn’t smoke, is a spiritual person, etc.  On my wants list I had things like:  loves to travel, is a good dancer, is physically “my type”.  My husband possesses every single thing on my needs list.  He possesses quite a few of the things on my wants list.  The things on my wants that he doesn’t possess?  I let those go – not important.  Even a soul-mate can not be ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES.  Do not attempt to look for that fairytale prince, that knight in shining armor.  Those characters only exist in books and stories.  Accept that your partner is human, and is not great at everything, and will make mistakes.  Many mistakes.  So will you.  Balance.

So by now you have noticed a theme: balance.  Not to get all yin-yang-y on you, but my opinion is that balance in all things is a great indication that you have found your soul-mate.  I could give you tons more examples (the importance of compromise in a relationship, the realization that although some things may come easy to soul-mates it is still very hard work!, the fact that you can have an “opposites attract” relationship as long as the opposites represent things on your wants list, not your needs list, and the necessity to bring out the best in each other….to name a few.)  You will also notice two missing subjects:  sex and money.  These are the two top reasons for divorce.  So why did I not include them?  Because we are talking about soul-mates, not marriage.  And in my opinion sex and money compatibility can be successful in a marriage, even if the partners are not soul-mates.  And if you are soul-mates, sex and money issues are just two of the many “balancing acts” that are part of the relationship.  So, I’m back at that concept of balance, and I will conclude my long-winded answer with the one word that could have answered the question (do you still remember the question?  LOL)  How do you know you are soul-mates?  Balance.

 Should we “hold out” until we’ve found our soul-mate?  Yes.  And no.  I think the answer is up to each individual.  Contrary to common thought, I don’t think being with a soul-mate is a necessity.  Being in a happy marriage can be enough fulfillment for many folks.  And that’s totally OK in my opinion.  On the other hand, if you believe that you will only be happy in a marriage/long-term relationship with a soul-mate, then it might be worth it for you to spend the extra effort and time to try and track that partner down.  I think this falls into the “needs” vs. “wants” category – if you feel you don’t NEED a soul-mate, then you will probably be perfectly happy in a loving marriage with a non-soul-mate.  Either way, the answer to this question lies with each individual.

What if only one person in the relationship sees his/her partner as a soul-mate?  My short answer is: then that person is not a true soul-mate.  To me, the only way you can have a soul-mate is if it’s mutual.  The definition is right there in the word: mate.  The word mate implies a partnership, requiring the involvement of two people.  One can not be  properly defined without the other.  I don’t care how deeply you love someone, how perfect you think you are together.  Your partner may even love you.  But as I said before, love (and marriage) do not equal soul-mates.

Can you have a happy marriage if it’s not with a soulmate?  I think I pretty much answered this one in the section on “holding out” for your soulmate.  In a nutshell, my opinion is yes.

Well, this has proved to be one of my longer posts, but then I guess the subject matter is usually what drives the complexity of my opinions and therefore the length of my posts!  This subject is as complex as they come.  And as usual, I’ll say that I probably left out a bunch of stuff, and have barely scratched the surface of this issue.  But hopefully this is helpful to someone, somewhere!

So, I was recently talking with my friend and we were discussing how your sex life changes when you have been with someone for a “long time” (I have purposefully made this term vague because the definition of “long time” is different for everyone, but most of us reach that threshold, that point of no return, eventually.)  Mind you, I am not saying it’s a bad thing, just a different thing.  And for many reasons, which I won’t go into because that’s not what this post is about, we seem to sort of settle into a routine (in general and in relation to sex) when we’re in a long-term relationship.

Since sex is unquestionably one of the most important factors in a relationship, and most folks usually strive to stay in a relationship for as long as possible, I think this is worth a post.  Just as all relationships are unique, so are the ways in which we keep our sex life exciting.  Personally, I’ve been with my hubby for close to 15 years.  Yikes that’s a long time!  Well, in my own subjective view anyway.  And yet I feel fortunate that I can honestly say he still turns me on!  Even though the butterflies in the stomach, the twitterpaited (that’s a Bambi reference, however I’m not sure how to spell it….) feeling is a thing of the past, I can still look at my man and get excited that I’m with him.  We still hold hands, even in public, and are generally affectionate with each other (which will no doubt embarrass our kids when they get older. Heh!)  But I will admit that in the day to day craziness of family life, we are not as focused on that physical contact any more.  And I am sure many folks out there have let pretty much all affection fade into non-existence.

So, how do we keep things fresh?  Let’s explore a few options.  In addition to tapping the well of my own creativity, I have some creative girlfriends, and I’ve been able to learn a few things from them.  One of my friends recently said that even if she’s not exactly in the mood, she rarely turns her husband down.  Wow.  I consider myself to be more horny than most chicks, but I’ll go ahead and admit that my dear husband has gotten a fair share of turn-downs! Hey, we’ve got two kids and I’m freakin’ exhausted at the end of the day, so there.  Of course since my friend has two kids as well, I guess I really can’t use that as an excuse now, can I?  Anyway, I asked her why she operates this way, and she said that it really is a pretty simple thing to do for him, she knows it makes him happy, and who wouldn’t want a happy man around the house?  Huh.  Never thought of it exactly in that way until then, but I had to admit she had a point.  Since then, I have tried to put myself in that mindset.  It’s actually easier than I thought.  Especially because I always end up enjoying it once we’re “in process”, and I usually end up thinking – why don’t we do this more often?  So, I try and keep that end result in mind, when I get that little nudge/look/pinch/grope (Dudes.  They’re nothing if not obvious, right?)

Sometimes, the actress in me comes in handy (I’m not talking about faking it, by the way.)  It’s a little exercise called “sense memory”.  I try and recall when we first started dating and how he used to make me feel just by walking into the room.  Those sexy blue eyes, that glowing surfer tan, and rippling muscles, that “commando” bulge in his Levi’s 501’s…..and I’m there!  I think I feel a little tingle down below even just from typing this!  I remember how we would lick and suck and fuck (OK, sometimes it was make love) all night.  Literally, the sun would be coming up.  My mouth was sore from making out so much – not to mention other parts of my body that were sore!  And the passion!  He was so tender and yet so strong.  He knew exactly what to do and when to do it to make me shiver with pleasure.  And now fast-forward several years (and two kids) later, and there he is.  That same guy.  He still has no problem bringing me pleasure!  He’s been there all along, but I guess sometimes I get so busy I forget to see him.  I mean really see him.  Perhaps it’s obvious and cliche, but I’ve realized a trip down memory lane is definitely good for your sex life!

Sometimes, as we grow older and more mature, we find new things that turn us on.  Another friend of mine recently mentioned that seeing a man doing something around the house that he doesn’t normally do would totally turn her on.  Certainly this is not the kind of thing that would have turned me on in my 20’s, pre-marriage.  That’s not really what I was looking for.  But I have to admit that it has a certain appeal now!  I am fortunate that my husband is actually the neat freak of the family (yes, it’s awesome but it does have it’s down side too….another post perhaps….) but I enjoy watching him mow the lawn, put together a new toy, or wrestle with our kids.  I think most women in my stage in life would agree that there’s something about a strong man engaged in domestic activities that’s downright sexy!  The only caveat about this, is that usually when my guy is doing some domestic duty, it’s not exactly the best time to jump him!  So instead I conjure up these images once we are free to do as we please.  Hopefully I won’t blurt out “oh yeah babe, push that vacuum cleaner!” the next time our bodies are entangled in passionate sex….although since he is the neat freak, perhaps he could roll with it….

So, I have sort of a theory when it comes to how men and women communicate try to communicate.  Although I have never read the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” type books, I suppose this probably would fit into a similar structure.  I don’t have any sort of expert degree, but I have been told I’d be a good therapist, so here goes:

Men.  They communicate in a relatively simple manner.  This assessment is by no means an insult – and in fact IMHO is a compliment.  Generally speaking, a guy thinks something and then he either says it verbatim or doesn’t say anything at all.  There is very little “editing” that goes on between thought and word.  So, for the most part what you hear is what you get.

Women.  They communicate in a relatively complex manner.  This assessment is not completely an insult because there are times where complexity translates into finesse.  However, the editing process in a chick’s brain is something short of a freakin’ three-ring circus. It starts with the first thought process, and it goes through various other processes that take into account all kinds of extraneous factors, including but not limited to the current circumstances, what she thinks the participants want to hear, who is present in the conversation, who is within earshot, who is not present in the conversation, how all those people relate to the woman, and any possible future outcomes that may or may not be associated with said comment. What comes out of the woman’s mouth may therefore not resemble her initial thoughts at all, and in fact may actually be the exact opposite.  All the while the woman may or may not expect those involved in the conversation to “get” the undertones and insinuations.  This is again subject to the specific circumstance, and changes like the weather in Colorado.  For those of you not familiar with weather in Colorado, that means: frequently, if not constantly. This makes it extremely difficult for anyone but a woman, who (by sheer genetics) has some hope of understanding this form of communication. In other words, men usually have absolutely no freakin’ clue what the chick is talking about.  And honestly who can blame them?

So, as is human nature – and this part applies to both male and female – we each expect everyone else to communicate like we do. Women not only expect men to understand their complexities, they assume that men also communicate with the same type of complexities (saying one thing but thinking another.)  And men assume that women understand and communicate in a relatively simple manner (saying pretty much what’s on their mind.)  This is where things get crazy.  You have two diametrically opposed communication styles, and no awareness of it by either party.  So, with the basic communication styles defined, I will now give an example of how these two styles interact, in a fucked up sort of way:

Dude:  “Happy Valentines, Honey.” (he gives her a box of chocolates.)
Chick:  “Thank you.  Did you get me flowers?” (translation: “you idiot, you didn’t get me flowers!”)
Dude:  “Ummmm, no.  Should I have gotten you flowers?” (translation: “shit, did I fuck up?”)
Chick:  “No, that’s OK.” (translation: “YOU #@)%&#(% asshole! You should have gotten me flowers!”)
Dude:  “I love you.”  (translation: “whew, I’m glad it’s OK.”)
Chick:  “I love you too.”  (translation:  “you should have known to get me flowers, and you better fucking get me flowers next time, you idiot!”)

Which is why this same exact scenario will play out between them many times thereafter, with the same result: neither one is happy and neither one understands exactly why.

Here is the opposite in effect:

Wife: “Honey, you are looking handsome tonight” (she makes some sort of sexual advance.)
Husband:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”  (translation:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”)
Wife:  “Fine.”  (translation:  “OMG, he’s cheating on me!  He doesn’t find me attractive any more!  I’m getting too fat!  Maybe we should start seeing a counselor!”)
(The husband goes to bed, content that they will have passionate sex tomorrow.  The woman stays up half the night, crying in the dark, thinking her marriage is on the rocks.)

Does any of this sound familiar?  You may not be willing to admit that you too have fallen prey to this type of scenario, but trust me it’s better to just admit it, and move on.  My suggestions?

Ladies, next time you want your man to do something/say something/be something, just freakin’ tell him what you expect, with ample notification to ensure the expected result.  He’s a simple creature.  If he’s with you, then he likely wants to please you, and will do what you ask, especially if he knows it will make you happy.  What’s that?  He should just know what you want?  Bullshit.  He needs your help, and that’s OK.  Why is it that we women have such a hard time asking for what we want? (By the way, this is different than demanding something, which means you do not respect the man – and that’s another topic for another post.)  My guess is that somewhere along the way, we were made to think that our opinions/needs/wants are not important and that it’s an imposition or impolite to request something for ourselves.  So, it’s really a matter of self-respect and self-esteem.  Besides, if your dude doesn’t always get it right, your two options are: 1) tell him what you want and get it (albeit perhaps with a bit of disappointment that you had to tell him), or 2) don’t tell him what you want and be totally pissed off that he didn’t get it!  Bottom line:  Tell him what you want!  And then enjoy it!  The End!  Seriously…..stop thinking about it!

Men, you’re going to have to expend some energy in the communication department.  Trust me, it’s worth it.  Don’t always take what she says at face value, because most likely there’s more to it.  Ask questions.  Clarify.  Ask for examples.  Ask for her opinion.  Listen.  With your ears and your heart.  Pay attention to detail.  Make her feel like she is the only one in the world that matters.  Give her your undivided attention even when you’d rather plop on the couch in front of the TV.  I know, it’s out of your comfort zone, and downright freakin’ annoying sometimes.  So what?  When she is “thanking you” in her own sexy way, you will have your reward (and if she isn’t thankful, then you have worse problems than just communication, dude.)  I’m not saying that the reward should be the only reason for going the extra mile, but let’s just say it’s the icing on the cake.  Not only will you build a deeper connection with her, she will respond to that connection, and reciprocate.  If you don’t believe me, ask any “Cassa Nova”, “Player”, or “Ladies Man.”  I’m not making this shit up, I swear.  It’s actually quite simple…..in a complex kind of way…..lol.

Whew!…..OK, that pontification went a lot longer than I expected.  I guess I’m your typical chick when it comes to communication – the “more is better” approach (as opposed to the “less is more” approach of most men.)  I am sure there are tons of examples where people do not fit into these stereotypes at all.  But I do think there is some validity to my assumptions.  I hope it at least helps you in some way with your own communications.