So, I have sort of a theory when it comes to how men and women communicate try to communicate.  Although I have never read the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” type books, I suppose this probably would fit into a similar structure.  I don’t have any sort of expert degree, but I have been told I’d be a good therapist, so here goes:

Men.  They communicate in a relatively simple manner.  This assessment is by no means an insult – and in fact IMHO is a compliment.  Generally speaking, a guy thinks something and then he either says it verbatim or doesn’t say anything at all.  There is very little “editing” that goes on between thought and word.  So, for the most part what you hear is what you get.

Women.  They communicate in a relatively complex manner.  This assessment is not completely an insult because there are times where complexity translates into finesse.  However, the editing process in a chick’s brain is something short of a freakin’ three-ring circus. It starts with the first thought process, and it goes through various other processes that take into account all kinds of extraneous factors, including but not limited to the current circumstances, what she thinks the participants want to hear, who is present in the conversation, who is within earshot, who is not present in the conversation, how all those people relate to the woman, and any possible future outcomes that may or may not be associated with said comment. What comes out of the woman’s mouth may therefore not resemble her initial thoughts at all, and in fact may actually be the exact opposite.  All the while the woman may or may not expect those involved in the conversation to “get” the undertones and insinuations.  This is again subject to the specific circumstance, and changes like the weather in Colorado.  For those of you not familiar with weather in Colorado, that means: frequently, if not constantly. This makes it extremely difficult for anyone but a woman, who (by sheer genetics) has some hope of understanding this form of communication. In other words, men usually have absolutely no freakin’ clue what the chick is talking about.  And honestly who can blame them?

So, as is human nature – and this part applies to both male and female – we each expect everyone else to communicate like we do. Women not only expect men to understand their complexities, they assume that men also communicate with the same type of complexities (saying one thing but thinking another.)  And men assume that women understand and communicate in a relatively simple manner (saying pretty much what’s on their mind.)  This is where things get crazy.  You have two diametrically opposed communication styles, and no awareness of it by either party.  So, with the basic communication styles defined, I will now give an example of how these two styles interact, in a fucked up sort of way:

Dude:  “Happy Valentines, Honey.” (he gives her a box of chocolates.)
Chick:  “Thank you.  Did you get me flowers?” (translation: “you idiot, you didn’t get me flowers!”)
Dude:  “Ummmm, no.  Should I have gotten you flowers?” (translation: “shit, did I fuck up?”)
Chick:  “No, that’s OK.” (translation: “YOU #@)%&#(% asshole! You should have gotten me flowers!”)
Dude:  “I love you.”  (translation: “whew, I’m glad it’s OK.”)
Chick:  “I love you too.”  (translation:  “you should have known to get me flowers, and you better fucking get me flowers next time, you idiot!”)

Which is why this same exact scenario will play out between them many times thereafter, with the same result: neither one is happy and neither one understands exactly why.

Here is the opposite in effect:

Wife: “Honey, you are looking handsome tonight” (she makes some sort of sexual advance.)
Husband:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”  (translation:  “Thank you, babe, but I am so exhausted from work.  Can we continue this tomorrow?”)
Wife:  “Fine.”  (translation:  “OMG, he’s cheating on me!  He doesn’t find me attractive any more!  I’m getting too fat!  Maybe we should start seeing a counselor!”)
(The husband goes to bed, content that they will have passionate sex tomorrow.  The woman stays up half the night, crying in the dark, thinking her marriage is on the rocks.)

Does any of this sound familiar?  You may not be willing to admit that you too have fallen prey to this type of scenario, but trust me it’s better to just admit it, and move on.  My suggestions?

Ladies, next time you want your man to do something/say something/be something, just freakin’ tell him what you expect, with ample notification to ensure the expected result.  He’s a simple creature.  If he’s with you, then he likely wants to please you, and will do what you ask, especially if he knows it will make you happy.  What’s that?  He should just know what you want?  Bullshit.  He needs your help, and that’s OK.  Why is it that we women have such a hard time asking for what we want? (By the way, this is different than demanding something, which means you do not respect the man – and that’s another topic for another post.)  My guess is that somewhere along the way, we were made to think that our opinions/needs/wants are not important and that it’s an imposition or impolite to request something for ourselves.  So, it’s really a matter of self-respect and self-esteem.  Besides, if your dude doesn’t always get it right, your two options are: 1) tell him what you want and get it (albeit perhaps with a bit of disappointment that you had to tell him), or 2) don’t tell him what you want and be totally pissed off that he didn’t get it!  Bottom line:  Tell him what you want!  And then enjoy it!  The End!  Seriously…..stop thinking about it!

Men, you’re going to have to expend some energy in the communication department.  Trust me, it’s worth it.  Don’t always take what she says at face value, because most likely there’s more to it.  Ask questions.  Clarify.  Ask for examples.  Ask for her opinion.  Listen.  With your ears and your heart.  Pay attention to detail.  Make her feel like she is the only one in the world that matters.  Give her your undivided attention even when you’d rather plop on the couch in front of the TV.  I know, it’s out of your comfort zone, and downright freakin’ annoying sometimes.  So what?  When she is “thanking you” in her own sexy way, you will have your reward (and if she isn’t thankful, then you have worse problems than just communication, dude.)  I’m not saying that the reward should be the only reason for going the extra mile, but let’s just say it’s the icing on the cake.  Not only will you build a deeper connection with her, she will respond to that connection, and reciprocate.  If you don’t believe me, ask any “Cassa Nova”, “Player”, or “Ladies Man.”  I’m not making this shit up, I swear.  It’s actually quite simple…..in a complex kind of way…..lol.

Whew!…..OK, that pontification went a lot longer than I expected.  I guess I’m your typical chick when it comes to communication – the “more is better” approach (as opposed to the “less is more” approach of most men.)  I am sure there are tons of examples where people do not fit into these stereotypes at all.  But I do think there is some validity to my assumptions.  I hope it at least helps you in some way with your own communications.