Or perhaps all of the above. Yep. I feel like every other day I find out a friend or acquaintance is having a first-hand experience with one, two or even all three of these. What the HELL?! Maybe it’s my *ahem* age-bracket. I guess when you reach your 30’s and 40’s the probabilities of divorce start kicking in harder. But it’s just amazing to me how many people I know are having (or had) difficulties in their marriages.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that there are a few “themes” that are common:

1. The husband and wife barely, if at all, have sex any more
2. The husband has no interest in talking about problems or going to therapy
3. The wife is somewhat – or completely - surprised when things finally crumble

So, WTF?! I’m sure a therapist would be able to shed some light, but I don’t happen to be one. Still, I don’t like to just complain about something without at least looking at the possible WHY’s, so that we can perhaps try to avoid these problems, or at least some of them. So, here’s my take on the why’s of my three common themes:

1. Why do the husband and wife stop having sex? Oh wait - lest you are thinking this is not a major issue, I say to you ”au contraire, filet minon!” Sexual issues are one of the top reasons why people get divorced. So, yes sex IS important, and it’s important to discuss why it dwindles in a marriage. OK, now that that’s settled…In most cases I think that both parties are to blame. As a mother I can tell you that with all the kid and house stuff I do, sometimes it’s just not a priority. Not to mention that Mommy’s body after having babies isn’t quite what it used to be – which can make her self conscious. These, and many others, are some reasons women become less interested in hanky panky. But they are only reasons; they are not really excuses (in my book, excuses imply that you are excused from the behavior and it’s OK.) It’s not OK. Your sex life SHOULD be a priority – no excuses. So, figure out a way to make it a priority. By the way, I mentioned that there are other excuses for not having sex, which I’ve already addressed previously, so feel free to check them out in that post. Now, the men. Sometimes the reason your wife isn’t in the mood these days may be that you forget to keep a little bit of romance alive. I know it’s cliche, but it’s true – and it’s a simple fix. For example, walking up to her in the kitchen when she’s elbows-deep in dirty dishes and dry humping her from behind is probably not going to get you the result you’re looking for. Yeah I know, right?! Instead, kiss her gently on the cheek and tell her how beautiful you think she is. Or here’s a novel idea: offer to help her with the dishes. It may not seem like a romantic move, but trust me, your woman will be in a much more agreeable mood after a nice move like that. Now, I know it should not always fall on the man to be romantic, but if you make an effort once in a while, you will reap the benefits. It’s not so much about making a big production, or spending a lot of money (or at least it shouldn’t be – ladies!), but even just little things like a romantic note left on her bathroom counter, or a compliment when she’s looking sexy, making dinner for her once in a while. That kind of stuff, you know? And women like to know that they still turn your head (Not THAT head. Well, maybe that head. But only after the one that’s on your shoulders.) I know it’s been several years and your flirt game may be a bit rusty, but put it back into action and keep it in action and it will never again become rusty. And hey guess what? You’ll probably get laid more often. Duh! OK, so I know there are plenty of other reasons why the sex goes away, and these things are usually based on much deeper issues about intimacy and love, but if you at least put in some effort in the sex department, you might be surprised at how this can work in reverse, and can improve your intimacy.

2. Why does the husband have no interest in talking about problems or going to therapy? OK, that’s a relatively easy one, in my opinion. Most dudes don’t like to talk much, let alone about their feelings! They barely talk about stupid shit (although they DO a lot of stupid things sometimes!) But getting them to talk? Uh, no. Not to their buddies. Not to their co-workers. Not to their family. Not even to YOU. I know – shocking! And they tune YOU out when you start talking too much. So, if a guy isn’t gonna open up to you even when you have a moment alone, then a guy going to a therapist where he HAS to talk and he HAS to listen, is pretty much the last thing in the world he will choose. It’s worse than being dragged to some “lame” fund raiser-luncheon-tea thing during an important sports event;  it’s worse than being passed over for a promotion; it’s worse than having to eat quiche – or something like that. Anyway, it is in the fiber of most guys’ inner core to loath that kind of stuff. And here’s where I will take a detour from my “what to do to help the situation” and say that choosing the right guy to begin with can make a difference here. If you have married the stereotypical sports loving, dirty clothes wearing, meat on a bone eating, grunting, farting, beer guzzling dude – don’t expect him to all of a sudden get an epiphany and decide he’d LOVE to share his feelings with you and some total stranger/therapist. Not gonna happen. At least not easily. But if it’s important to you, then that’s the angle you need to use with him. Tell him that you want your marriage to be healthy, including your sex life (a little motivation never hurts), and it is important to you to talk about things and/or see a therapist. Again, these things are not easily fixed, but if you make an effort it may make the difference.

3. Why is the wife somewhat – or completely - surprised when things finally crumble? I think there are several possible reasons. Perhaps the husband is an amazingly talented actor/liar/cheater. Or perhaps the wife is so busy she really hasn’t been paying close attention until it’s too late. Perhaps also, she sort of knows on some deeper level but just doesn’t want to deal with it at the moment – or really ever. She hopes that the current lull will just get better on it’s own. Or at least just stay the same and she and her husband can just go on with their individual responsibilities and not talk about the fact that they haven’t had a real conversation in months. That they haven’t had sex in months. That they might as well just be roommates.  But whatever the reason ladies, you need to remind yourself of something. You have an intuition. An intuition that works very well when you tune in to it. You may not like what it says, but if you’re not completely honest with yourself then don’t be surprised when he isn’t honest with you either. Certainly it’s not right for your man to lie to you, cheat on you, leave you without notice (in fact, if you trust your intuition, you may find you have the upper hand.) But you don’t have control over him (many of you think that you do, but that’s a false sense of security, honeys). However, you DO have control over yourself, so act accordingly. If you have a funny feeling that things are not right with you and your husband – do not ignore it! Confront your husband – calmly and rationally (although your urge may be to rip his fuckin’ head off….trust me, it may be cathertic, but it’s not constructive!) The road will be difficult either way but by addressing the problems you have early on, you may just help save your marriage. Or it will at least bring you to a quicker resolution, even if it ends in divorce.

Well, as per my usual modus operandi I have written a novela. But I sincerely hope that if any of you out there are struggling, or have a friend who is struggling, in a relationship/marriage – please don’t just let it continue without making every effort to do something, anything, about it. Please get help now!

I’m going to quote my Mom now (yep, I think it’s the first time ever in two years on my blog – sorry it’s taken so long Mom!) It may be cliche, but here it is: “A relationship is like a garden.” It can flourish and be beautiful, and continue to improve over time. But it will take a lot of work. A lot of daily work. The kind of hard work that requires kneeling in dirt, bent over, pulling weeds, digging, planting and watering. In addition to constant maintenance, it will require a plan – where to plant things, when to pull something that’s not doing well and replace it with something more appropriate, how and where to expand, and where to leave spaces so you can enjoy every foot of your labor of love. It may be cheesy but I really do think a garden is an excellent analogy. And trust me, folks, I’m not even a gardening type. In fact, I’d rather go to the dentist than work in a garden. Fortunately, I am much more agreeable to working in my marriage garden, and so is my husband (hence my advice on finding a guy who is OK with communication)! And we have the fruits of our labor to show for it – a gorgeous, flourishing, ever expanding (though not without the need to pull weeds every once in a while!) TRUE LOVE.

Yep, it’s simplistic. It’s trite. And most certainly amateur (hey, I gave you the disclaimer that I’m not a therapist). But I think 12 years of a strong marriage (17 years total together) has earned me the right!

This last Sunday I walked in my very first AIDS Walk! It’s one of those things that I have said for years I wanted to do, and just never actually “walked the walk”, so to speak! I am so glad I did because not only did I have a fantastic time, but there is nothing like the feeling of helping people in need.

The mood was festive and there was plenty of entertainment at the opening ceremony. One of my favorites was the Jabawockeez – they were awesome! Hal Sparks (from Showtime’s Queer As Folk - loved that show!) was there. And there were plenty of local celebrities from the Las Vegas gay community. Needless to say, it was a fantastic place to people watch. There were flamboyant stereotypical drag queens, half naked muscular sexy men (hey, I can look even if I know it’s not gonna go anywhere!), and then there were also the “common” folk like me. There were families, kids in strollers, and tons of dogs. It was cool to see everyone come together for such a great cause!

If you’ve read any of my opinion type posts, you know that I am a HUGE fan of personal rights, and acceptance and equality for all human beings, which includes the GLBT community. And although many folks think of AIDS as being associated with the gay community, this is not just a “gay” problem. There are straight men and women and also children that are affected – and afflicted – with AIDS. But regardless of why or for whom you walk, the important thing is that you are helping.

There are plenty of AIDS Walks coming up in all areas of the country. I encourage you to sign up, get sponsors, and walk your ass off!!

OK, so most folks wouldn’t consider the wedding night to be the most important aspect of getting hitched, but I’d wager that most men rank it pretty dang high on their list! And ladies, why shouldn’t you? If you’ve done your due diligence, you have chosen a man who satisfies you sexually (cuz if your guy doesn’t do it for you now, he probably never will. And you’ve got a VERY. LONG. BORING. life ahead of you.  And probably a divorce. Just sayin’.) For those of you who haven’t had sex with your fiancee yet, I’m gonna just give you my unsolicited opinion: you are fuckin’ crazy! I know, I know – I should be commending you for your ethics and morals and all that crap. Don’t get me wrong – I think morals and ethics are super important, but that’s not really what we’re talking about, are we? We are talking about an antiquated, misogynistic biblical law that has nothing to do with morals, and everything to do with controlling people – particularly women.

But, let me get off my soap box for a moment and just talk from a purely practical standpoint. I mean, who buys a car without test-driving it first? And unlike a car, this is FOR LIFE, people! Fortunately, I’d venture to guess that most folks agree with me, and it’s unlikely that the wedding night is shared by virgins. So even though you’ve already driven the car so to speak, it’s still a special night of sex! Plus, it’s an excuse to buy some new sexy lingerie. To quote Charlie Sheen: “Duh!”

Yikes, I sort of went on a tangent (I know, it’s shocking isnt’ it?), when really all I wanted to do was tell you about some new lingerie! What I meant to tell you is: now that we are heading full steam ahead into Wedding Season, I thought this tidbit would be timely. If you’re looking for something naughty – to give as a bachelorette gift – or to use on your upcoming wedding night, or on your honeymoon – there’s a new lingerie line made just for the occasion….

Well, it’s not likely that a famous MMA fighter would cross over and become a porn star, but…. Wait a minute - now that I think of it, that’s not too far fetched, really. I mean, many fighters are sexy guys and I’m sure a good number of them are “playahs”, (hell, one of ‘em – Tito Ortiz - married Jenna Jameson, the ultimate pornstar! And yes, I intentionally chose the word “ultimate” as a reference to the UFC!) So these fighters probably know their way around a  pussy bedroom. Well, hey, if it does happen you can say that I was the first one to write an article about the concept anyway! But I digress (what else is new?!)

So, the crossover that IS happening is that porn star (and first time porn director!) and all around hottie Derrick Pierce opened an MMA gym in Los Angeles! Now those of you that know me, know that I love me some MMA, so in my mind, what could be better than a porn star owned MMA gym? I mean, it’s a match made in heaven (well, MY heaven anyway!) I wish Derrick the best of luck, and much success! Check out the article below for additional information:

Are you looking for a good excuse to buy a new sex toy? Yup, I knew it! Well, I’ve got ya covered! St. Patricks Day!

Now, what the hell does the luck of the Irish have to do with buying a sex toy? I have no flippin’ idea, but who cares? It’s a celebration, right? And when we celebrate we buy things, right? Or, after a few green cosmo’s/beers/whatever you drink, you could go with the ever-popular excuse of “I was drunk at the time!” And last but not least, the best excuse in the book: “It was on sale!” There, plenty of excuses reasons!

Here are a couple coupon codes for sex toys. Happy St. Patrick’s Day. May the luck of the Irish be with you today and always!

Vibrator.com:
15% off storewide for the next 48 hours, coupon code: GOGREEN2011

Babeland.com:
Save $5 off a $50+ purchase, coupon code: MARCH5
Save $15 off a $100+ purchase, coupon code: MARCH15
Save $30 off a $150+ purchase, coupon code: MARCH30

I know my reputation for being naughty has you guessing about what I mean by “goes both ways”…heh heh. But this time I am not talking about being bi-sexual. This is one of my posts where I’m talking about relationships and love…

What do you think of when someone says “Unconditional Love”? If you’re like me, you think of loving someone without any conditions. Dictionary.com has the definition of “unconditional” as:

Not limited by conditions; absolute.

But the other day I was thinking about this concept, and it occurred to me that we only think of unconditional love in relation to GIVING it. But what about receiving it? No, I’m not talking about receiving unconditional love, I’m talking about receiving love unconditionally. Hopefully I haven’t totally lost you? To put it another way:

Do you receive love from others, without any conditions?

Or do you decide that you will only accept someone’s love if they do “X”; or if they are a certain type of person? What if that person doesn’t love you in the way you think they should? Do you close the door on their love? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that we’ve all done this – it’s human nature. And most of us have not been taught to think of it in these terms. But without the flip side, “unconditional love” is not complete, and WE are not complete.

Now certainly there are examples where accepting love unconditionally doesn’t work (for instance if you have a stalker, I highly recommend you don’t accept anythingfrom them!) But what about people that are close to you – people you have relationships with? Are you accepting their love without conditions? Are you allowing them to love you in their own way? Without criticism? Here are a couple examples:

1. Your friend/mother/brother doesn’t call you as often as you think they should. You are tired of being the one to call all the time. So when they do finally call, you don’t answer the phone and you wait a while to call them back. So, there! That’ll teach them!

2. Your husband/boyfriend/partner gives you a gift that you feel is not good enough – for any number of reasons (which may even be ”legitimate”), and you let them know in no uncertain terms that they messed up. How dare they give you that gift! Humph!

But what if….

3. Your young son or daughter says something like, “Mommy how come your jeans are so big?” as they are giving you an awesome vice-grip hug?

Do you push them away and tell them you don’t want a hug because what they said is mean? Do you tell them that you don’t want their love? No, you stifle a laugh, hug them back and accept their love, unconditionally! (Yes you do, unless you are a cold-hearted fuck-tard!) So, why is it easier to accept love unconditionally from a child? I dunno – I’m sure there are some deep psychological reasons, and that’s not the point of my post, but it’s something worth considering.

So, my assignment for you this week is (you guessed it): ACCEPT LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS. When someone expresses love for you – accept it for what it is. Absolutely. No judgement. As though they were your child. If someone you love is pissing you off, making choices you hate, or acting in a way you don’t understand, remind yourself that they love you. Be thankful that you have these people in your life that love you. There may even be a few of them that accept YOUR love without conditions!

It’s harder than it sounds, for sure, but it can set your heart and soul free!

What, do I live under a rock? I consider myself to be pretty aware of things, and especially when it’s female-oriented. I wouldn’t say I’m a die-hard feminist or anything, but close to it, I suppose. And I swear I’ve never heard of International Women’s Day. Yep, that’s what women around the world are celebrating today. In fact, they are celebrating it’s 100th year this year. Where the hell have I been? The more research and googling I did, the more I have to conclude that under a rock is exactly where I’ve been! Now, to give myself  a break, I will say that this holiday is much much bigger in countries other than my own (the US), particularly Europe, Russia, and the Soviet bloc. Which is a shame, because it is such a great concept! It has been compared to Valentines Day, but I think it is much much more meaningful.

To be honest, I think V Day has become this dreaded day where guys feel pressure to wine and dine their ladies, and the ladies have completely unrealistic expectations (“he should just KNOW what I want…”) And why is it that those same women don’t feel any sort of obligation to do anything for their men? Since when is a Valentine defined as female only? OK, now that my feet are firmly planted on the soap box….Here’s what else is wrong with V Day: it’s limited to only people in love/sexual relationships. You’re a single person? Sorry. You’re screwed on Valentines Day. In fact, it’s the proverbial salt in the wound if you ask me. All those love-struck sweethearts running around being all lovey-dovey and shit. Bleh. And I’m saying this even though I’m in an awesome relationship with a wonderful guy who totally wined and dined me for V Day. And while I appreciate what he did and does for me, to the general concept of Valentines Day, I still say, “bleh”.

Now Women’s Day, that’s something I can get behind. First of all, the title makes it very clear who it’s for. Women. And by the way, I have no problem if someone wants to create “Man’s Day” – in the interest of being fair (despite so many inequalities in the world for women…but I digress….) Anyway, what I also like about it, is that it’s an opportunity to appreciate ALL women. Wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers, aunts, co-workers, you name it. From all cultures, countries, and walks of life. And it’s also an opportunity for ALL people to appreciate the women that have made a difference in their lives. I mean, this holiday has some substance to it!

So, ladies: Happy Women’s Day. Whether you celebrate with your significant other, your family, or with your gal pals, remember this. You are the backbone of the world. You work tirelessly for others, you have the strength and tenacity of a pitbull, and yet you would give the shirt off your back to someone in need, you would protect your children at all costs, and you have the ability to find beauty in this f’d up world – in fact, you ARE beauty in this world. And so many more wonderful qualities. Each and every one of you can hold your head high, and be proud of being a woman.

Cheers, Peace, and Love to all the women of the world!

OK, I’ve heard of “knock-offs” in the fashion industry, so I guess it’s not THAT far-fetched that there would be sex toy knock-offs…lol! I guess it’s probably because the really good sex toys ain’t cheap – including LELO. But as the saying goes, “you get what you pay for”. Now, I did once buy a fake Chanel purse, but hey the real ones are like hundreds of dollars. Plus, that’s just a bag to put over my shoulder. When it comes to a toy that you will (hopefully) use often, and use around your “pink bits”, it’s my opinion you are better off investing in a quality product. One that is made of safe materials, and will go the distance with you.

So, heads up and be on the look-out for fake LELO vibrators from China! If you are interested in a real LELO product, here’s a list of some online adult stores that carry them:

Adam & Eve
Babeland
Eden Fantasys
Good Vibrations

And in case you want more information about this situation, here’s a great article about it:

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been two years since I published my very first post here on O4Her!

In celebration of this anniversary, I am going to list out my Favorite Blogs (right column) - and WHY those sites are on there. It’s not a full-blown review, but kinda a short snapshot review of each blog. Although the list has changed over these last two years, you can always count on my blogroll being a list of blogs I actually read (which is one of the reasons the list changes.) Two things that are in common with all of them is:

(1) They are sex positive
(2) They are updated regularly

I’d love to get your opinion about these blogs, so feel free to leave a comment (it can be annoymous if you’d like). You’re also welcome to give your opinion about this blog, and also some of your favorite naughty blogs. I’m always looking for new naughty material to read! Until then, enjoy!

Adult Blog Spider - A great listing of other adult/sex blogs (in case you don’t get enough from my list!)
Always Aroused Girl - A well-known sex-blogger, techie, mom, and awesome writer, been around since 2005
Blue Eyed Vixen – A mom, wife, lover, and interesting sex blogger, with stories, pics, and rants
Cleavage – Awesome writer/blogger who writes about life, sex, family, etc. Very entertaining and funny
Dr. Tim - Director of Scientific Affairs for Doc Johnson (sex toys), very informative, with personality
Hot Movies For Her - The blog for the popular Video On Demand, Porn For Women website
Janes Guide - If it’s a decent adult website, it’s probably been reviewed by Jane. And this is her blog
Moms In Babeland - The blog for the popular adult/sex toy store Babeland, lots of good info/discussions
Ms. Naughty - If you’re a woman and you like porn, this is a blog for you
Naughty Mommy Reviews - Naughty Mommy who does (naughty) reviews (duh!) & stuff. Funny/entertaining 
Pop Porn - Tongue in cheek news about the adult industry. It’s like Us or People mag but XXX
Rabbit Write - Intelligent sex journalist, sex positive and smart, great writer = awesome blog
Regina Lynn’s Sex Rev 2.0 – At the intersection of Sex and Tech, informative and entertaining 
Ryan St. Germain - Amazing photographer, often fetish-related, a great writer. Oh and a  rare smart/sexy/nice guy!
Sex And The 405 - Los Angeles. Sex. News. It’s that missing “Sex” section of your L.A. newspaper
Vagina Drum - Young, funny, honest blogger about sex, life, and whatever else crosses her mind
Violet Blue - Prominent (because she’s smart as hell, and speaks and writes that way) sex writer and educator who has her thumb on the pulse of all things adult

Whew! I could have written a paragraph about each one, because each of them are awesome in their own way, but suffice it to say that if they’re on my list, I consider them worth checking out. If you agree, or especially if you disagree – please let me know. I’m always up for a good logical debate. If you have a suggestion for a blog to add to my list, let me know. But be prepared to hear the truth from me – good, bad, or ugly.

Anyway, please enjoy these links, and here’s to 2 years of O 4 Her. I look forward to sharing my naughty side with you this next year, and who knows – maybe even another year! Or two. Or 10. My dirty mind isn’t going anywhere (except maybe to hell if you ask certain people….lol)

When I see the words “video game”, what comes to my mind is some gun and/or car related shoot ‘em up and run ‘em over violent game, played by some pimply-faced teenage boy for hours on end. Well, move on over Grand Theft Auto, there’s a new game in town! It’s called Utherverse, and it has nothing to do with guns, cars, or pimply-faced boys. It’s an adult, social networking, virtual sex (cyber sex) game. And it’s got a devoted FEMALE audience. That’s right. Here’s a quote from the full article about this new game genre (which is below if you want to read the whole thing):

“The report also said that more women are beginning to embrace the products as porn gaming becomes focused less on the old in-and-out and more on imaginative and impressionistic sex.

Virtual sex site Utherverse has evolved from a 3D Amsterdam Red Light District into a more detailed and interactive user community with a demographic skewed to the female side. The company reported that women make up more than half of the active returning users by virtue of creating a space that allows them to express their sexuality and romance in a non-threatening environment.”

Pretty cool if you ask me! I just created an account, and am going to check it out. Wish me luck – maybe I’ll get “laid”!